Recently there have been rumors flying around about some approaching final exams. First of all, we, as a professional medium dedicated to provide our readers with honest and reliable news, would like to calm everyone down: it’s just a rumor, there is a chance that the Finals will miss Queen’s Campus by several miles and the whole population will be able to celebrate Christmas in safety and peace. After all, shitty and misfortunate events always prefer U of T and Western rather than our adorably humble Queen’s amiright?
Second, even if the Finals are really coming, there is not a slight reason to panic (of course I assume you are already absolutely confident, and calm since you are reading our paper instead of reviewing your notes, if you have ever taken any). Remember in your heart that all difficulties in our lives are just our punishments for being naughty (such as the over-masturbation during our early adolescence, or even our current college life), and the key to it is just to relax and enjoy. (Oh spank me Finals!)
Third, don’t worry even if you are really failing all of your courses; for like every time when a catastrophe is about to occur, Golden Words is once again here to save the day. There are several practical plans you can take to save your grade, which is perhaps poorer than Golden Words’.
1. Commit Arson and Mass Homicide:
A very simple mathematical logic will produce this answer. If we manage to murder or at least cause severe physical or mental damage to most of our fellow classmates, our grade will look less pathetic since there will be no one that performs much better. A fire is the perfect method to carry out such a mass operation due to a simple reason: Queen’s students are all so used to fire alarms that they won’t really give a damn even if there is a real fire.
“I don’t care about those stupid fire alarms, I’ll just hide in the washroom and read”, said an anonymous hardworking student who will certainly die during the execution of this plan. God bless his/her soul, he/she will die for a just reason.
Stauffer Library is the best place to start. It will be filled with dedicated students who eat and sleep there during the exam period. If you are an engineer, then Douglas; if you are in commerce, then Starbucks; if you are in con-ed, then West Campus; if you are a frosh, then all the residences – except Vic Hall, people living there will probably skip their finals anyway.
2. Find someone to do it for you:
Not bold or anti-social enough to carry out the first plan? Don’t worry, I bet you are pretty rich then. You can always pay someone smart to do the exams for you. That way you don’t have to re-take the course, and they can finally afford going home during the Winter Break. Many of them will be Asian international students, like me, who will be forced to stay in Kingston and freeze to death because we have no money for a plane ticket. Don’t really worry about being found out and getting expelled: remember the sweet Frosh years of using your very very fake fake IDs? You never worried back then, why should you now? Stay young and be confident.
3. Sleep with your TA:
Yes, the ultimate and most perfect plan of all times. However you have to be attractive, seductive and good enough in the sack. Recall there was once a guide published on a previous issue of Golden Words that instructed you to date your TAs, this plan follows mainly that genius guideline but in a more efficient and purposeful manner. You go up to them after your tutorial or lab, talk to them, seduce them, and then sleep with them. Then your TAs will comply to all of your demands if they want more mind-blowing sex with you. Even if you fear that you are not a master of sex, don’t worry, you can always remember to videotape everything! In order to avoid having their tapes revealed on the Queen’s Facebook group, your TAs will have to give you as high grades as you want. Since this plan is the most efficient and riskless one to follow, I anticipate that many TAs will be exhausted to death by the time all exams are marked. Poor TAs, I highly respect all of you for your dutiful efforts in class, off class, and in bed.
At last, we wish you enjoy every minute of the upcoming Finals period, and may the force of perfect multiple guessing and making up bullshit during exams be with you. Take care.