Toyota Caught Forcing Drivers to Listen to Nickelback

0
10

In the wakes of the Volkswagen fuel efficiency crisis, Toyota has admitted to installing malicious software in the 2014 Prius. A former Toyota software engineer has leaked documents to Golden Words detailing the aptly named “Project Fleek.”

The software collects data from drivers’ phone calls, noting every time a driver says “fleek”, “I can’t even”, and “literally”. Upon detecting any of these words twice in one day, the car will begin playing Nickelback’s  All the Right Reasons album.

“Toyota’s effort to eliminate the spread of the word ‘fleek’ from our collective vocabulary was undoubtedly benevolent in nature. However forcing drivers to listen to the earsplitting disgraces to music like Photograph and If Everyone Cared constitutes degrading and inhumane punishment”, explained human rights expert Emily Vokes. “Not only is hearing mind-numbing lyrics like ‘It’s not the human walk it’s the human race’ a threat to human dignity, the recent tragedy near Kingston, Ontario has shown it can also be a threat to human life.”

 

Ms. Vokes was referring to Highway 401 collision on Monday that left four dead and seven in critical condition. Malcolm Sampson, a student at Queen’s University, said “OMG I literally can’t even” while on the phone with his girlfriend. His prius immediately began playing Rockstar, shortly after which Mr. Sampson swerved into oncoming traffic, leading to a nine car pileup.

 

Mr. Sampson’s mother opened up about the incident in a recent interview with Golden Words. “I simply don’t understand how Toyota can do this to someone. I’m just glad my son only suffered through Chad Kroeger’s voice for a few brief moments before ending the pain.”

 

Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda addressed the controversy in a press conference on Friday. “My sincerest condolences to the Sampson family. It was never our intention for this software to have such tragic consequences. In fairness we took care in the creation of this software, I mean we considered using Coldplay but figured that would be too extreme. We are announcing an immediate recall of the vehicles in which this software is implemented. We are also recalling our 2015 Rav-4 line which deactivates the brakes of anyone who utters the words ‘gluten-free’.”

 

Update: Toyota has re-implemented the 2015 Rav-4 software after an outcry to bring it back, signified by the hashtag #noglutennobrakes trending worldwide on Twitter.

 

Comments