Trump: “We Need Bigger Data”


Being the president in an Internet Age is not an easy role, but Donald Trump seems to have his priorities straight. On Monday, he spoke of the White House’s latest initiative: “The United States of America has data, but we need bigger data. We need our computers to be bursting open from all our data”. When questioned about his motives in regards to this newfound data, Trump stated the facts: “China has a LOT of data. Their data is BIG. And they won’t share it with us”. Golden Words has been reassured of the positive impact Trump’s initiative will have. “Bigger data will yield lots of jobs. We’ve got people throughout the country scavenging through junkyards and cracking open old computers to find the data inside of them. We’ve got people building HUGE underground shelters to protect the data from the Russians. We’ve got scientists working on record-breaking font sizes which will make the data too big to even fit on your computer screen”. So what does the president hope to find in all these new 1s and 0s? Cures for deadly illnesses? Economic trends? Perhaps Waldo? The response: ”We are looking for INSIGHTS”, said Trump, “we are gonna crunch the numbers and find out what those Clinton emails REALLY contained”.

Golden Words reached out to Queen’s IT Services, who apparently know a thing or two about what data is. They generously took the time to demonstrate how we can locate a small morsel of data on our own computers, although the process was highly confidential. What we can say is that the data is found somewhere in the depths of Solus. “Whatever your opinion is on Solus, it’s a critical piece of software for our students. Although nobody knows who created it, Solus is actually one of Canada’s only websites which stands a chance against America’s Big-Ass Data Chamber”, we were told by the Queen’s ITS manager. “We’ve got some big honkin’ nuggets of data in Solus, and the platform is essentially impenetrable”. Queen’s ITS is in talks with the Computer Science department to set up a ‘Solus Mining’ graduate studies program. “Trump’s got a point. Canada needs bigger data too”, the manager said, “Maybe some day we’ll have enough to build the country’s first Large Data Collider”.

Golden words will be donating a portion of their archives to the Lord of Solus for his monthly data-crunching ritual.