Types of Housemates

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So it’s getting to that time of the season where the students of Queen’s University prepare for the great time of upheaval that is to come in the coming spring. It’s a terrible time for everyone, and there are never any winners, so to help you navigate this minefield we have this guide to the types of people you live with.
The first person you want to be sure to book into your humble abode is to look for is the rock. The solid reliable housemate that can be counted on to do your chores for you when you have that thing coming up and can’t take out the trash. The thing in question being naptime. This person is your anchor, while to them you will be nothing but a drag. He or she can be counted on to clean the house after a party, can be relied on to be the first to be fed up with the state of your washroom and serves as the yin to the yang to the party animal.  He’s is kind of like a cat: he doesn’t give a crap about you, makes a mess wherever he’d like and expects you to clean it up and he’s like perpetually drunk. What, don’t act like you’ve never gotten your cat loaded before; get off your high horse and try getting your horse high. Another key member of any household is the absentee. The absentee is sort of a spatial blank where a housemate ought to occupy. The absentee pays rent, does their chores, and like a ghost leaves clues of his existence with shoes, coats and laundry confirming that they do in fact live here. But his door will always be locked or ajar showing an empty room full of scattered clothes and lingerie, because the absentee is too busy spending virtually all of their time with their significant other. The only downside is coping with the reality that your absentee is getting laid like all the damn time. Gore Vidal said “When a friend succeeds, a little part of me dies”. And in this case your little friend will be dying at the thought that their little friend is succeeding so hard you’re not even in the same league. The opposite of the absentee is of course the asshole whose s.o.is always over. Individually you like both the asshole and the significant other but together they are insufferably… present. They’re always sitting in the kitchen being cute and every conversation with one of them seems to be unsettlingly  post-coital. The trouble with the asshole and the absentee is that you don’t know which one they’ll be until they start to live with you, so tread carefully. Or, you know, you could just be happy that your friend is happy you ass.The gym nut is the one in your house is the one who not just looks better than you, but deserves to look better than you. The gym nut is working out every day. Their room will always smell faintly of sweat and pre workout and you’ll always know when they cooked recently because it will be a some variety of tuna/chicken/beef dusted over with a light sprinkling of whey powder. Don’t live with gym nuts, unless you are a gym nut. It will only make you feel bad about yourself when they are walking out of the shower bathed in steam looking like a Greek God while you look on from the couch struggling to wipe the mix of cheetos dust, sweat and shame that you will undoubtedly be covered in.
Finally there’s You This is the one person you should seriously reconsider living with. I’ve talked to your friends and they all think you’re kind of an asshat. I would think twice about signing any lease to any place that you will be living in.
Well that’s it, Happy House Hunting!
 

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