Types of Parties Ranked From Worst to Best


Political Party:
This one is one of two things, neither of which is going to be a particularly exciting time. One possibility is that it’s an organization of politically involved people who lobby for legislative change and run for office in public elections. The other possibility is that it’s a bunch of politics students getting kind of drunk and very passionately arguing about political issues. Either way it’s going to be boring as fuck. I’m not saying that being politically involved is bad, but if you’re looking for a fun saturday night out neither of these options is a particularly good way good.

Sausage Party:
This is either a subpar Seth Rogen movie, or a party that is only dudes. It doesn’t really matter which one it is, it just matters that you skip it.

Search Party:
Odds are if you are a part of this someone is missing and quite possibly dead. Because of that this type of party is not particularly fun. You can add to the enjoyment by having a healthy pregame beforehand, but in my experience parents tend to react negatively to that. Overall I’d say give this one a miss.

The Missing Donner Party:
This party is okay. There’s free food. The only downside is that the free food is your dead friends and that you never actually make it through the middle of the US to California to start your new life. Also there’s not really that much booze because you could justify weighing down your cross country convoy with what your fellow puritan travellers describe as the devil’s water.

You’re bringing your own booze here so there’s really no limit to how drunk you can get. Just know that if you get shitfaced you will be the drunkest person there, and everyone will be watching you and only you. Basically if you go to one of these and act like a normal sane human being you’ll probably have fun, but it won’t be particularly memorable.

These are hit and miss. If you have a reasonable number of people you can pay $10 get your money’s worth of shit beer and maybe meet some new people. If you’re at one of those keggers with 300 people look forward to being slowly suffocated by a giant crowd while slowly swimming your way up a stream of people like the proverbial party salmon in its quest to get just a sip of beer. You’ll get to the keg only to figure out that it’s been dry for a half hour and that the cops have just arrived and you’ve essentially just given someone $10 for the privilege to experience claustrophobia for 45 minutes.

Ok now we’re talking. The term rager encompasses a large variety of party types. It could be a themed party, or it could be a giant homecoming bash. I would include the St. Paddys day and Hoco street parties in the rager category. These parties are the type that you remember years later. Someone is going to do something crazy like do backflips of a roof, or slap a horse or some shit. You can never go wrong with a rager. You’re going to have a good time, no matter how much shit hits the fan.

Forget about it. Literally, forget about it. Socials are an entirely new level. There are a couple reasons for this. First, are generally moderately sized groups of people who all usually know each other through some group that they are all a part of. In order to make up for the small amount of people socials will generally compensate with disgustingly large amounts of alcohol. Second, socials usually have a goal, that is to socialize a new group of people, make them comfortable with each other, and build camaraderie and friendships. As a result the partying that takes place at socials is not random, it has direction and purpose. Everyone is on the same page and is united in their being ridiculously fucked up. For these two reasons socials are the perfect storm of party magic. Looking back on your university career I doubt that it’s possible for a social to not be included among some of the most ridiculous experiences that you came to know in these four years.