After two consecutive presidents have failed to raise America’s standing in the world, the American people have called in an expert to restructure their government and build a winning team. That expert is Brendan Shanahan, former NHL all star and current president of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
When asked for a comment about his new position, Brendan Shanahan said, “Well I am going to be honest with you this team is going to suck for a while. America is going to be at or near the bottom of the league in key areas such as education, public research funding, wage equality, and public debt for years to come. This will be a painful, but necessary process.” When asked about possible player trades, the three time Stanley Cup champion stated, “Well the Tea Party is pretty uncoachable right now – We’re thinking of letting them walk as soon as they become free agents. Fans should expect many major changes; we are not keeping anyone off the trading block.” Bob McKenzie, TSN sports analyst, provided some insight into the nation’s failure to accomplish anything worthwhile within the last two decades, “It’s understandable why some of these politicians are performing poorly, they have been absolutely hounded by the press! Just look at Obama. He’s been treated just like Kadri was by the Toronto sports media. As soon as Obama was drafted by the Democrats as their candidate he was treated like a demi-god by some media outlets, while others portrayed him as a radically religious socialist extremist with a fake birth certificate – That can really get into your head and affect your game.”
Don Cherry, Canadian political expert and human megaphone, also had some insight into the situation, “YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK THAT WHAT THEY REALLY NEED IS SOME GOLD OLD HARD WORKING CANADIANS, PLAYERS WHO CAN TO GO OUT THERE AND GET INTO THE CORNERS AND WORK FOR SOME GOALS AND THEY NEED TO BE WILLING TO THROW SOME HITS AND PLAY THE BODY AND THROW A PUNCH OR TWO TO DEFEND THEIR STARS UNLIKE THOSE PANSY SWEDES OR DIRTY RUSSIANS WITH THEIR STINKIN’ EUROPEAN TACTICS…(Mr. Cherry trailed off into an unprintable and offensive rant about the inferiority of European and French Canadian hockey players. He also did not seem to understand that Canadians cannot be president of the United States)
The response from fans has been mixed, but most Americans are excited about the changes. Joe the Plumber, archetypical blue collar american, said, “Well we’ve been seeing some terrible performance from our government recently – and honestly I can understand why: the owners have been making a mint recently even though the rest of America is in the sewers. The billionaires and multinationals that fund both political parties have been more profitable than ever – and the networks don’t care either. Fox and CNN will have loads of viewers whether America is winning or not. I am totally behind these changes, the American people need better.”Political pundits have already begun speculating on the sorts of changes that might occur. The average age of senators is approaching 65. To stop the slow decline of congress into a geriatric ward, Shanahan needs to get his hands on some much younger talent. The U.S. plans on drafting a few star players right out of the college leagues. They are really targeting prospects from Harvard Law, Yale – people who really ran the show in their school debate teams. They will be given to opportunity to mature in the minor leagues – municipal and then state legislatures before they can be called up to the big leagues to play.
Little Jimmy (Age 9) an American citizen said, “Maybe by the time I am 40 my government will finally be able to accomplish something.”