Unconfirmed Reports: EngSoc Taking Over the AMS?


In our newest recurring investigative feature, Golden Words journalists take to the streets to dig deep into the underbelly of today’s campus. We will chase stories until they can’t run anymore. We’ll even do that to dogs named Story. We’re that dedicated. In today’s story we will connect the dots to prove that Engsoc has designs to take over the AMS.

EngSoc has never formally addressed its plans to take over the AMS

We spoke to the president of the Engineering Society, Julie Tseng. We, as aspiring investigative journalists, asked about whether or not EngSoc was considering making advances on the strategically important Alma Mater Society in order to seize power from the university. Mrs. Tseng, Sci’ ‘16, formally responded with “what the hell are you talking about?? I literally have no idea what you’re saying. It’s three in the morning get off my porch you psycho!” In other words, avoiding the question. We were justifiably concerned. This lukewarm response only proved that EngSoc has very real plans to set the University aflame in a civil war to seize power of student government: the most important kind of government there is.

Director of Services refuses to acknowledge troop movements on the border 

To follow up on our story, we contacted Stewart Jensen, Director of Services, who again gave us similar misinformation and distraction tactics like “I’m calling the cops right now unless you get off my lawn. It’s four in the morning and I heard from JT you’d be here”. Reports from credible sources have whispered of troop movements among Division Street, with Golden Party Armour-clad FRECs wearing their war paint or “traditional gentian”. We stuck the Director’s feet to the fire until he finally blurted out “If I said it was a training exercise would you guys leave?” Clearly this damning quote suggests they are training their legion in maneuvers to overrun the JDUC.

An 87% attendance rate at last years frosh week shows how they’ve brainwashed the frosh legion they plan to enlist in their coup

Engineers have by far the best frosh week attendance from last year. In a biting op-ed by our investigative partners at The Journal, they pointed out that Engineering’s attendance is double that of the far bigger Arts and Science Orientation. Some may see that as a tremendous accomplishment showing how Eng Frosh Week is an event to be cherished and that Arts Frosh Week really ought to stop being so lame. We see it as proof that EngSoc has the entire faculty ready to rumble whenever they plan to seize the power. Draw your own conclusions.

FINAL PROOF: EngSoc owns this newspaper

If they didn’t want people to think that they’d be plotting to seize power, you’d think they wouldn’t allow an article that suggested they did. But they’re instead double bluffing by allowing this article to be published!! Because we’re writing this article they must be preparing to take over!
When FRECsday arrives and the steel-toed boots begin marching along university, consider yourself warned