UNDERground EngSoc CockRING fighting Ring Busted


Animal fighting was not the only illegal happening going on at Division Street’s EngSoc Office as after the dust had settled in the basement of Jeffery another affront on the eyes and soul was discovered. Underneath the bloodstained carpet of the Super Mario Bros Themed Death Arena a Trapdoor was discovered which led down to an even darker and more secret basement where an even fiercer competition was raging. The brave men and women of the Engineering Review Board slowly descended down the steps slwoly parsing through the gloom into a basement where the most unsettling yet technically consensual battle was raging. Lt. Cpl. Rob N. Scherbatsky described the scene in a press release by the Engineering Review Board.
“We were walking down through the trapdoors when we heard an ominous clamour punctuated with clapping, jeering and an underlying yet attention-grabbing sound. It was a little fwap, fwap, that sounded like two especially soft hands clapping together on a wet towel, or like the sound of two gimp-suit clad hombres knocking their semi-erect members against each other. That was foreshadowing for when our flashlights illuminated two gimp-suit clad dudes knocking their semis against each other in some kind of crazy sexed up penile duel surrounded by 30 masturbating men in Guy Fawkes masks.”
While the officers present had trouble believing their eyes, there was nothing they could or wanted to do as they watched, mouths agape as the contestants battled in the most off the wall homoerotic spectacle they had ever witnessed. Except for Paul, who was desperately trying to act like he didn’t recognise the best man at his brother’s wedding. Then the general feeling of distaste and sexual unease deepened as one officer silently pointed out the iron rings taut around their genetalia. “I don’t want to think about how they managed to fit it on their members. I like to think that they just have extra large ring fingers, that’s what helps me sleep at night.”  said Scherbatsky.
“There was nothing we could do to stop it, because they weren’t fighting to the death or anything” said a visibly shaken Cpl. Scherbatsky, “They had an organised points system, like in fencing! That was the worst part! They were using their dicks as foils.” Subsequently no one was arrested, the title of the article refers to when after announcing the winner (by a certified olympic fencing judge no less), the victorious man “came like a fountain”. His words not ours.
At press time, 45% of the officers involved in the incident had requested permission to take sometime to “visit a local park, play in the sandbox and rediscover their childlike innocence”, and 20% had requested a transfer to less “psychologically scarring” units like the riot squad.