Unintentional Interview


Recently Golden Words was asked to be interviewed by several students for their FILM 250 project short film festival, film course, bizarre amateur pornography, or possibly political campaign video. Now that I think about it, we’re not really sure why Maddie, Kai, Grace, and Jacob the short film makers, students, amateur pornographers, or possibly political candidates wanted to interview us. I can only assume they are planning on blackmailing me. I had to sign a release form, which I didn’t read, but it probably allowed them to use anything and everything I said against me. I did not get them to sign release forms, so I’m probably not allowed to put their names or any personal information about them in this newspaper.

I tried to ignore the blackmailers film crew who were in our office. Everything was fine until one of them said “Hi” to me. It seemed innocent enough, so I said “Hi” back and started chatting and realised that these corrupt politicians friendly students were actually nice people. Eventually, the conversation drifted to Golden Words, and I started talking about all of the wondrous and horrible things I have done for this newspaper. Then I noticed the camera on me. I immediately switched into interview mode.

I started spewing so much bullshit about Golden Words. I was pulling numbers out of my ass. Like our distribution. We actually distribute four thousand papers, but I thought billion sounded more impressive and said “Golden Words’ distribution is four… billion papers per week. We print more papers than there are English speaking people in the world, or even literate people in the world. Our newspaper is responsible for 90% of the deforestation in the world. We are the only organization to have ever caught a live giant or colossal squid. We have caught dozens of both species and used them for their ink. We don’t eat the meat because I have a calamari allergy. That is my weakest quality.” There I had already nailed the worst interview question of “What is your worst characteristic?” before they had a chance to answer. But I didn’t stop there. “Golden Words would make a model employee. We work harder than anyone else. In 24 hours, Golden Words can do over 384 hours of work. We invented the concept of the 400 hour work week, and yet we still get in enough time to run ironman triathlons every weekend.” I really had to suck up to our future dictators these second year film students so that when they become the future leaders of our dystopian society make their short, unimportant video, they will let us live say nice things about us.