Unmasking The Antifart Movement

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You’ve seen it on the news, on twitter, and in the streets during your local protest. Antifart. What is it, why is it so controversial, and what does it mean for the future of America?

Understanding the Antifart movement requires a brief history lesson. We spoke to Mark Flatus, a social activist who was there during Antifart’s early days. “We wanted to show a presence at these recent far-right rallies, to show the world someone was out there protesting Fartism. Until everything started going down the toilet”, said Flatus, referring to a specific day which flushed America with divided opinions on the Antifart ideology.

“From day one, we’ve been against releasing gas at protests”, Flatus said, “just don’t fart, that’s all we ask”. According to riot police across America, there’s always been some mild breaking of wind at Neo-Nazi rallies, and it just causes an unpleasant experience for any counter-protesters involved. Antifart would frequently show up at these rallies sporting gas masks and Febreze, as a peaceful way to protect themselves against their opponent’s Freedom Of Squeak.

This was until the fateful day of anal acoustics that Mark Flatus was referencing: Charlottesville, Virginia, August 12, 2017. The Alt-Right was opposing the removal of a Civil War monument, and their bowels were far from settled. “Clouds of toxic gas like we’ve never seen, rising from the white supremacist marchers”, Flatus exclaimed, “these nationalists were laying unimaginable beefers and something had to be done”. Unite The Right had been camping out for days in Emancipation Park, according to our sources, surviving off cans of beans and assorted dairy products. But did Antifart cross the line in their attempts to stop the cheese-cutting?

“It all happened so fast”, Flatus recounted, “We could stand the Confederate flags and the racist symbols, but the silent-but-deadly’s were slipping through our masks”. One thing led to another and physical clashes broke out.

Taking a step back, we can see why right-wing news sources have labeled Antifart as ‘violent’ and ‘just as bad as the Nazis’. “There were probiotics being forced down our throats, and they made us do 30 minutes of cardio”, a member of an unidentified militia told us, who asked to remain anonymous. Additionally, Anitfart was reportedly spraying innocent police officers and reporters with mint-scented air-freshener. Many online personalities have stepped up to Antifart’s defence, but it seems to be too late; the stink’s gone into the fabric. Do we have a new a domestic terrorist group on our hands?

President Donald Trump seems to think so. Trump faced backlash after failing to single out any specific groups, but his message was clear enough: “we condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides, on many sides”. Trump proceeded to spread his cheeks on national television and deflate his butt trumpet directly at the cameras.

Is this the future of politics in America? We will have to see how the rest of the story plays out. Our eyes and ears – and nostrils – are wide open, awaiting rectal tremors in this vastly expansive political landscape.

As a mainstream media organization, Golden Words has the responsibility to give you, the reader, both sides of the story, and provide a non-biased opinion. We do not support any extremist or anarchist groups, and try our best to combat fake news. Interested in writing for us? Come by our office on Sunday afternoons and check us out, we won’t judge you for turning on the A/C in your large intestine.

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