Unthinkable: Frosh Pulls Off Fake ID While Wearing 2016 High School Graduation Sweater

0
14

“GRADUATING CLASS OF 2016 BRIDGEVIEW SECONDARY” – these were the words that were boldly written across Lorne Jackson’s sweater when he got into Stages Nightclub using a fake ID.

The 18 year old first year Arts student wears his graduation sweater proudly, no matter the circumstance – whether it be in his lectures or trying to get into nightclubs with his fake ID.

Last Friday, with a fake ID from Nunavut reading “Michael Smith”, Jackson successfully fooled three bouncers into letting him into the Stages establishment: “I guess they didn’t notice my real last name written on my sleeve either.”

Jackson shared with Golden Words that it was his first time using that fake ID, but it was probably the beard that he was growing out that fooled the bouncers into thinking he was older than 19. Playing with the public wisps on his face, Jackson proudly said that he was working on his facial hair for about a month now.

“My friends say that I have a Jake Gyllenhaal-like appearance when I grow out my beard.” When Jackson’s friends were contacted to confirm these comments about Jackson’s facial hair, they laughed, asked who Jake Gyllenhaal is and why was he talking about the pubic hair on Jackson’s face.

When asked why he would wear his Bridgeview Secondary graduation sweater out clubbing, Jackson replied that his high school identity is far too important to him. Jackson, unlike most students coming to Queen’s, isn’t interested in re-inventing his identity.

“My peak was absolutely high school. At 5’11, I was the tallest guy on the basketball team and all the girls in my class had cripplingly low self-esteem. What more could a guy want? Here at Queen’s, I wasn’t even considered for varsity, girls on Tinder are demanding that only guys taller than 6’0 can message them and I’m in Arts! If clinging to my high school and general cluelessness makes me a hero, then so be it.”

When the Stages bouncer, Matthew Hamilton, was asked how he could miss something so obvious, Hamilton crumbled to the ground sobbing. “How could I have missed that? How did the other bouncers not catch that?” Hamilton began to dry heave and eventually began to vomit uncontrollably.

Because of the publicity of Jackson’s fake ID feat, there’s a slim chance of Jackson being able to pull off his Nunavut fake ID again while wearing his graduation sweater. Ale, the Spot, and the nightclub formerly known as Fluid have all emailed Golden Words, thanking us for unmasking “the underaged vigelante.”

Jackson shrugged and said he doesn’t sweat the small things.

“I can always rely on my over-inflated, undeserved confidence to take me the distance.”

Comments