Up Your Klout Score Dude, Send Me a Dick Pic

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What up my Wolves and She-Wolves of Wall Street?!

My name is Chunce Bennington the Turd (hahaha it’s good to laugh at ourselves sometimes, but that’s a topic for another seminar: “Humility and How It Can Help You Slay Mad Poon”) and I’m here today to help YOU succeed in the post-racial world we live in by upping your klout score!

Now for many of you jabronis who don’t know the first thing about KLOUT lemme clue you in on the biggest metric to measure popularity since Snack Packs™ were used to buy friends in elementary school.

Klout is a website and mobile app that uses social media analytics to rank its users according to online social influence via the “Klout Score”, which is a numerical value between 1 to 100 with higher scores corresponding to a higher ranking of the breadth and strength of one’s online social influence. 

So all that really means that the more popular your individual posts are on your respective social media sites, the higher the chance of garnering a sick-ass klout score. And by now it should be no surprise my sweet lil Comm’19s that we all know what sells: SEX!!! In particular the male figure and all its glorious Adonis-like attributes.

Carl’s Junior, go eat a sexually suggestive sandwich! No one wants to ogle a WOMAN handling processed meat! They want to get a glimpse of that bomb schlong in all the HD quality we have come to demand in these trying modern time.

So my main argument I present to you today is that by simply sending ME, Chunce Bennington the Turd (Comm’17) a picture of your FULLY ERECT penis in dim lighting with your hand gently grasping the base therefore making the penis in question larger by comparison, I will work to to help propagate it on every facet of social media possible. I’m talking Facebook posts of yo dick, Instagram pictures of yo dick, Tweets of yo dick, 12 minute YouTube videos of yo dick, LinkedIn profiles exclusively of yo dick, Wikipedia entries dedicated to yo dick, and most importantly Bing search results that prioritize yo dick.

To stress how not weird and very normal it is to send a 20 year male that you’ve just met a picture of your dingus, I shall return the favour and send you a photo album of MY dick to establish trust.

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