Daniel Beals challenges Mark Garretsen to beer pong game for Queen’s Students Votes:
In a press release Daniel Beals issued to challenge in Mark Garretsen reading “We can’t keep splitting the student vote we need to decide who best represents the students. Meet me in Grant Hall Friday October 9th at 9pm for a best of 5 1v1 beer pong game. Winner gets the students vote, loser gets a naked mile” Mark Garretsen has yet to issue an official response to this unorthodox challenge.
Geological Engineering prof enters political race:
On the heels of Luke McAllister a second year geological engineering student entering the Kingston race as a libertarian party MP the geology department has another surprise. Dr. Mark Diederichs has decided to enter the political race for Kingston and Islands as an independent candidate. Golden Words manage to ask Dr. Diederichs what issues he is focusing on “Throughout all of Canada there is a clear lack of cool tunnels for me to work on and tell my students about. I have to take examples from different countries all while many issues facing Canadians could be solved by tunnels.” As for local issues Dr. Diederichs is planning to replace the Wolfe Island Ferry with a tunnel to Wolfe Island citing not having to wait for the ferry and that it would be awesome.
Conservatives to re-fire federal scientists:
The conservative party has responded to the NDPs plan to rehire federal scientists with their own government action plan. “We plan to re-fire all the federal scientists. People have forgotten how much trouble they caused and the NDP are contributing to this delusion that scientists are beneficial. We plan to bring the scientists back to show the problems they caused before re-firing them.” The NDP and Liberals are confused why the scientists would go back to work knowing they are going to be fired again. The conservatives have not answered this question instead running more government of Canada action plan adds to annoy Canadians into submission.
AMS announces new strategy to get more students to vote:
The AMS has launched a campaign to get more students to vote in the federal election. They will be providing transportation for students to the polls as they have in previous years. New this year the AMS will be giving coupons for one free pint at QP for all those who vote. “We were wondering how to get people to vote and decided giving free alcohol is a much better use of our money than building a bridge to nowhere of something.” The buses will be departing from the JDUC every 15 minutes on October 19th.
Conservative Party Releases “Old Stock Canadian” Vintage Wine
New from Harpco comes “old stock canadian” wine. Here at Harpco we begin with the finest niagara grapes and age them in oak casks. At Harpco we age our wine until it is “so old it votes Harper”. This step normally takes 65 years that ensures you top quality in your wine. With a distinct oaky flavor and an aroma like a grandmother’s perfume, this wine will invoke feelings of despair and sober second thoughts about bad decisions made the night before.
Stop Harper traffic signs cause huge back-up on Division street
Students vigilantees have been amending local traffic signage to better inform the student public. Unfortunately, the “Stop Harper” signs have been causing some confusion with the 0.2% of Queen’s student population whose first name is “Harper.” Last Tuesday, traffic was slowed all the way up Division street, spilling onto campus via University because Harper Psmith, Arts ‘19 didn’t realise she was allowed to keep driving. Fortunately, she was able to fire her driver and vale, and blamed it all on them.
He’s just not ready for midterms
Lord Voldemort withdraws candidacy, supports conservatives
“I just didn’t think I could add anything to their campaign points.”
Attack ads to be banned, replaced by actual attacks
In an unexpected turn of events, all parties have unanimously agreed to put an end to their childish attack ads, which in past years have debased the canadian political system and caused us to resemble a gradeschool debate club. Instead, the entire secret budget allocated by C-51 will be divided unevenly between the remaining parties. The following is a breakdown of some attacks:
- The conservatives have vowed to use CSIS to rid this country of mudbloods and immigrants. They will also sent Black Knights to Trudeau’s vacation home/growop.
- The liberals are funding a campaign to weaponize weed brownies. They also plan on sending a squadron of nija to Mulcair’s underground commune.
- The NDP have raised the red army from the four corners of the Earth to usher in a new era of Freedom® and ToleranceTM. They will send a platoon of disheveled and unemployed environmental scientists to Harper’s residence, near the gates of Hell.
- The Bloc have dispersed thousands of Montreal drivers to terrorize the rest of Canada into agreeing to separation.
- The Green party wasn’t allocated any funds.
Harper Focusses on NDP stronghold:
Citing the powers giving to C-51 Harper is focusing his efforts and a 50 megawatt laser on the NDP stronghold of southern Ontario. This wipe out the NDP tour group and their voter base in one move. The laser mounted aboard the Harpco orbital space platform part of the government action plan has finished trials and is ready to fire. The NDP have 24 hours to stop campaigning or face their annihilation.
Queen’s Royal Decree:
“Should the total percentage of voters, of any age, race, gender, species, or political capabilities, be fewer than forty per hundred in the Canadian federal election of this present year, we shall therefore decree that Canada come back home to England and live in the basement until she is able to once again make adult decisions and live with the consequences. She shall be allowed a monthly allowance of $50 million on condition she stops seeing such naughty boys. She shall be able to go out once a month to play with the other countries, so long as she doesn’t pick any fights, and goes back to peacemaking like we taught her. Finally, she shall be permitted to once again live on her own, once she gets over the stupid idea that weed is a good idea. Yours in everlasting mothership, the Queen.”
Golden Words Staff