Waka Flocka Flame Burns Down Local Preschool


A preschool in the Kingston area tragically burned down this Wednesday when notorious rapper and OG Juaquin James Malphurs, better known by his stage name “Waka Flocka Flame”, dropped one bar too many during his son’s “bring your parent to work day”. Three children were admitted to the Kingston General Hospital for severe burns, while many more required their teddy bears in order to cope with the traumatizing experience.

Bernard “Lil’ B” Malphurs invited his father to talk about his work and discuss the playa career path. However, near the end of his presentation, one of Lil’ B’s classmates asked Waka Flocka to share some “dope bars” from his newest and unreleased mixtape. Even though the track was purely experimental and had not passed standardized mixtape safety testing, Mr. Flame recklessly decided to share his creation with the classroom, to disastrous results.

Students in the front two rows of the classroom felt an immediate warming sensation once the rapping began. As the temperature at the front of the room increased, the teacher was visibly torn between allowing her students to suffer from extreme burns or denying them the opportunity to hear the exclusive track. The situation became dire when a small ring of fire, originating from the ground around Waka, began to creep slowly outwards towards the horrified students. It was at this point that many of the students began to jump out the the back window of the classroom, while the most dedicated fans stayed seated. By the end of the track the room was entirely engulfed in flames. Due to the intensity of the Waka Flocka’s flames, the entire preschool was fully enveloped in the blaze.

Emergency services managed to put out the fire within an effective response time of fifteen minutes, but not before the majority of the building was lost. Waka, upon emerging from the ruins, was reported to be uncontrollably repeating the statement “it’s lit, it’s lit, it’s lit”. He is currently attending rehabilitation in order to recover from the incident.

More regulation needs to be instituted upon the rapping game in order to prevent the recurrence of tragedies such as these. News headlines like “The 8-Mile-8-Alarm” and “Arson Kelly” serve as constant reminders that situations like these are not isolated incidents. Rappers are becoming reckless in their beats and are not subjecting their work to the standardized testing that is recommended by the FDA, and this is leading to a society where playas are recklessly endangering the lives of themselves and those around them. And personally, that is a society that I don’t want to live in. #controltheflames