Beginning March 2nd, Walk Home will be rolling out a new initiative to curb unhealthy lifestyles on and off campus. The new program named “RUN HOME!” responds to callers by sending out two varsity athletes (male and female) to stalk the client. Once the individual is completely alone, the designated “trainers” violently chase the caller back to their residence or home. During the pursuit, the trainers yell out phrases of motivation such as “You can’t escape!” or “We want to feed!” to encourage the caller to maintain a high pace. If the caller reaches their home, the two trainers are then required to stand silently outside the caller’s door for a few minutes to ensure the safety of the trip.
Walk Home’s Head Manager, Jake Strupp, stands by the new program, calling it a “neat new service” for campus life. “Too many students fall victim to the freshman 15, the 2nd year 20, the 3rd year 30 and end up a 4th year fatty,” Strupp said. “Walk Home prides itself on providing a safe campus environment, but who says you can’t go from a ‘nottie’ to a ‘hottie’ on the way?” Strupp cited current fitness research that indicates the best time for exercise is close before sleep or after large alcohol consumption. “You’ve gone out for a couple beers, a few shots, a glass or two of wine, a full bottle of margarita mix, a mickey of tequila, a dickey of fireball whiskey and a late night gyro- I can’t imagine anything better for your health than a high intensity workout right afterwards.”
Principal Woolf applauds the idea, not just for the health benefits but it’s excitement factor as well. “I remember when I was a young man, getting cheap thrills out of hunting down random people in the streets (*takes a long drag from a cigarette*). It’s funny, you know? You remember all those good times hunting down helpless first years, screaming out nonsense, dressed in nothing but a garbage bag and an empty box of Twisted Tea… And now, seeing all those good times put to good use (*wipes away a tear*), it’s really a beautiful thing.”
Students are split on the new concept, some praising its benefits, others saying it doesn’t go far enough. “If you’re really for student health, why not add traps, give the trainers weapons or, ya know, involve a psychological factor?” said Chandling Brunnerstrum, 3rd year Phekin student, “We learn about fitness in class constantly, and if Walk Home wants to have an impact, they’ve really got to up their game. Throw in some trip wire or mustard gas, keep ‘em guessing.”