WalkHome, Struggling with an Increasingly Confident Student Body, Announces New “WalkEverywhere” Service

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After seeing a declining number of students using WalkHome, and faced with budget cuts from AMS, WalkHome today announced a handy new service called “WalkEverywhere”. According to the press release, “WalkEverywhere will be a more robust service that adapts to the daily needs of a Queen’s student.” For example, instead of being limited to walking students back to res from a kegger in the ghetto, the WalkHome representatives will now be allowed to walk the students to the party. “This new service is a game changer,” says WalkHome vice-president Kirpa Badwal, “Using the WalkEverywhere service, students who get left behind after a wild pre in Vic Hall will be able to get to the party safe and sound. Now, students won’t have to maneuver through quiet side-streets to avoid being seen walking alone.” According to Badwal, students also in need of a friend can access the WalkEverywhere service for temporary acquaintanceship. She went on to pitch the service first-hand to this very reporter, “In need of a buddy to hit up Cataraqui with? WalkEverywhere. Want to see that new hipster film but only have bland commie friends? WalkEverywhere.”

However, the service isn’t without its controversy. Concerns have been raised by a brigade of PoliSci majors who have set up a protest camp next to the WalkHome booth in the JDUC. Mark, protest leader, had this to say when asked about the WalkEverywhere service: “WalkEverywhere is the beginning of a slippery slope. Who knows how far this gross hand-holding and blatant surveillance of Queen’s students will go? Walk ’everywhere’, you say? Can you guys walk me back to a time where the Harper government kept its slimy claws out of the affairs of Queen’s University?” When reached for comment, all Principal Woolf could say on the matter was, “Fuck me, why didn’t we think of this earlier?”

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