WE CAN’T GET OUR POLE UP (BECAUSE U OF T STOLE IT) : BREAKING NEWS/WEB EXCLUSIVE:

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Before we begin our indepth (researched/written/published inside an hour) coverage, we’d like to apologise to FREC Committee’ 15. A Facebook post was made by one of the editors (the one with the stupid looking face) that suggested that our noble FREC Committee had something to do with the theft of our beloved Greasepole. The facebook post has suitably been updated: FC had nothing to do with it. Their only crime was organising a Frosh Week that was “Criminally Fun” and “Dangerously Wrecked the Curve on how Awesome Events can be”. We invite them to stop making every other frosh week ever in the history of mankind lame by comparison before they destroy the fabric of time and space.

– Sam, Editor with Stupid Looking Face

 

It had to have happened folks, after 60 long years of steady use, Queen’s Engineering can’t get our pole up. As a crack team of investigative journalists who have a professional and moral obligation to bring you news as soon as it happens, we’ve hunted down ALL the facts on the pole theft.

WHO DUNNIT: A group of renegades rumoured to be affiliated with U of T known only as the Brute Force Committee

HOW IT HAPPENED: The safe way, with everyone lifting in a rushed and uncoordinated fashion. Presumably all involved were lifting predominantly their back in a jerking and twisting motion and avoiding long muscles as is recommended by the Canadian Medical Association. It is unknown who dropped the ball and allowed the theft but we suspect the Patriarchy is the villain at play here. After all, it is a gigantic pole, it doesn’t exactly take a Freud to make that connection.

WHAT THEY WANT IN RETURN: We don’t know. We hope they match our ransom record of 100 cases of beer. (Btw Brute Force Committee… props!)

This concludes our indepth report. Our investigative news division is criminally underfunded. Now, far more importantly, our next segment:

RUMOURS, IDLE SPECULATION and RANDOM GUESSES about WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW…

WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO OUR POLE

  • Lots and lots of phallic jokes (guaranteed)
  • Lots and lots of lanolin in hair (equally guaranteed)
  • Hopefully some carefully filtered Instagram albums
  • Presumably a fair amount of worship as befits such an important ritual artefact to a cult as high-profile as Queen’s Engineering.

WHEN THEY INTEND TO RETURN IT

  • at first light, on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the East. We shall see the Greasepole leading the Riders of Rohan into Helm’s Deep in Oscar winning cinematography.
  • At this week’s upcoming ritual, for a free pint of Turbo
  • On a cold day in hell or on a warm day in January in Kingston whichever comes first (#hurryupglobalwarming)
  • When they finally get down off of whatever cocktail of illicit drugs they were on whilst stealing it

WHEN THEY INTEND TO GIVE US CREDIT AND/OR AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

As the most high-profile pole stealers (ok we reported about it in our own newspapers, shut up) we hope that the

  1. Brute Force Committee grants us an exclusive interview recognising our status as Canada’s Other National Newspaper.
  2. Some over the internet props via text message, twitter shout out or just punching our computer monitors at the same time

We cordially await their response, please email eds@goldenwords.net

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