We Try Spicy Food, Mostly Survive


Today I struck out to live life a little larger and settled on eating mildly spicy foods. My life is pretty safe: I break a sweat at the thought of biking without a helmet. My first stop on my road to new heights of leucine absorbtion : Creamy Sriracha on a sub.  
Every nuclear bite taught me my mouthhole a valuable life lesson, and by the end I  was so feverishly inflamed could see through the veil of time, and space. The assholes at Subway wound up cancelling my next order for Creamy Sriracha without the buns or extra condiments to which I simply screamed “SRIRACHA SRIRACHA MY KINGDOM FOR SRIRACHA.” Not sure why I was channeling my inner Richard III, but let’s move on. I inscribed every bite of the sub on a stone tablet, but it turns out that I was merely scratching a table somewhere in my hot-sauce induced hallucinations. Unfortunately, when the hallucinations ended, my work was gone. Kinda like Richard III. In a thematic way, my memory is a little fuzzy on the details but I don’t believe Bill the Bard wrote the king a scene where he scratches up a table, sobbing because he put extra wasabi on his california roll.
More recently, I tried las enchiladas rojas (red enchiladas) from La Hacienda (on Princess St.). This is the part of the article where I will only detail my struggle to stay alive. Seriously, holy shit. I think that Inferno from Dante Algieri’s Divine Comedy comes to mind, except I didn’t have Virgil to guide me through, and the dialogue didn’t take place in medieval Italian. Come to think of it, I don’t even remember that much fire in Divine Comedy. Mostly depressing people, which isn’t that connected. Wait what was I going on about again?
A few nights before being a TA, I attempted a Madras wrap. Delicious, but dangerous. There’s a certain scene in Dragon Age: Origins where you can kill a massive dragon (hence the title) which predictably breathes fire; truly the pinnacle of video game innovation. In case you can’t draw the web on your own, I’m relating to that dragon, which (spoiler alert) died super easily (thank you, DLC gear). Just like me, come to think of it. I don’t remember if I ended up passing out from the wrap, actually. Probably did, if only briefly.
Clearly the food has caused me to lose my mind, but I am willing to try more spicy food in the future