Weather Rises Above 6 degrees, Decrease in Relationships by 47%


Scientists confused by recent meteorological phenomena known as the “Spring Cleaning”, which results in the extermination of romantic relationships at the first feelings of warm weather in late March.

Following a long, hard (a yo) winter’s hasty decision to couple up with that girl down the hall because “What’s the worse that could happen?”, a local man has become the case study in what is now being called the “Coward’s Turkey Dump”. The man, first-year student Kyle Getinsum, cites being bored, horny, and in possession of a Netflix account as justifiable means to engage in his 9 week expository trial of “I dunno, hanging out and stuff” with Alana Willsettle. The relationship fizzled out in tandem with the melting snow that now plagues Kingston sidewalks. Both parties have agreed upon avoiding eye-contact when passing each other in the hall and awkwardly engaging in small talk at keggers when required. Studies have yet to conclude whether or not either sides “have caught feelings”.