Well, it was fun while it lasted, but it seems the joke is up. I’m just gonna come clean now: the whole vaccine thing was a lie and just a way to get some cheap kicks and make a few bucks.
Me and my colleagues, such as Dr. Alexander Fleming and Dr. Jonathan Enders, thought we had covered our tracks pretty well. But thanks to the work of intrepid researchers such as Oprah and Jenny McCarthy, the dangers of our work have now been exposed to the world. I seems that my trail of lies had a couple of holes in it. And if there’s anyone that knows about exploiting holes, it’s Jenny McCarthy.
But little did I know that our innocent little trick was going to cause some serious problems. Turns out that sticking needles filled with literally just water into children has led to the rise in autism. My bad! To be honest, that’s a weird way to get autism.
Even though it was widely reported in the media that I took no profits from my ‘miracle’ polio vaccine, I actually struck a secret deal with the pharmaceutical industry that guaranteed me a position among the top of the illuminati, as well as my life extended indefinitely. Now I’m seated at the throne with the cast of Boy Meets World and Jay-Z. I’m rich as shit and one of the most powerful god-men on the planet. But apparently I was no match for the likes of an ex-Playmate of the Year.
Looking back, I am now truly ashamed of my actions. Once again, my college-boy mentality ran away from me and caused a lot of harm throughout the world. Its just like my Tenth Grade teacher, Mrs. Leeman once said “Jonas, you’ve got real potential. But your silly little pranks just get too out of hand for you to do anything with it.” And she was right. Once I realized that my little pinpricks were the singular, definite cause of the rise in worldwide autism rates, I could feel nothing but remorse. Add AIDS on top of that, and I fell into a pit of despair. I hope you all can forgive me for my Faustian deal with the Illuminati that has brought so much suffering to so many.
However, I have been informed that, somehow, around the same time my vaccine was developed, rates of polio have been dropping steadily to almost zero by the year 2015. That’s certainly a funny coincidence – but we can’t make assumptions based purely on the random luck of the universe.