We’re Back

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18

Hello everyone! Welcome back to another year of Golden Words, and maybe also school, I guess. You’ve been waiting patiently for a long time to get your sweaty hand sausages back on an issue of this bad boy so congrats – don’t blow your load just yet (you’re in public you weirdo). For those who are coming to Queen’s for the first time – welcome! If you know want to be cool and succumb to peer pressure, you better read this paper and tell all your friends to do so as well. Know why? Cuz we can say swear words in this. Like fuck and shit and fuckshit! Take that New York Times! And they say print is dying…

This is our Frosh Week issue, meaning that most of the people reading this will be frosh, and so as a result I thought it would be important to give you guys some tips for your first week getting use to your new home. I mean I must know everything since I’m in third year, and for frosh that’s fucking ancient.

It’s important to go out of your comfort zone.

This one is probably the most important. You’re at a new school with new people who all have a level of independence they’ve never had before. As a result some people will go overboard and do all sorts of drugs and skip school and engage in general debauchery. Let’s be honest, they’re far cooler than you. So try to join a club or something – baby steps, right? I’m not going to tell you what to do though, I’m not your mom. Not that you need to listen to her anymore, after all you’re almost 18. She’s basically irrelevant now.

Flex dollars aren’t real money use it all without thinking first

Do you see any money huh??? I don’t see any fresh toonies or hot fivers being tossed out. The big banks and political establishment are trying to trick you into thinking that any of it matters, but use your eyes people! It’s obvious the only transaction occurring is one that involves trading your free will for chem trails. Soooooo why are you gonna waste all that time being frugal and only spending when “absolutely necessary”? I say you should use up all your money early on and generally fuck around. Trust me, if I had seen that YouTube documentary about our financial system before I was in first year, I would’ve definitely done it.

Save yourself for marriage (butt stuff doesn’t count)

Know that the sanctity of sexual intercourse can only be preserved through saving oneself through marriage and abstinence. It’s important to find someone you really care about before you give up that special part of you. But you don’t need to give up that special part if you just put it in the pooper instead and take ‘em to browntown, population: 4.5 inches.

4. Be yourself

On second thought, you could probably keep some your fucked up shit hidden until after you’re at the cool kid’s table.

That’s it. Read the rest of the paper or I’ll tell your floormates you’re not cool. Thanks! AGreezy OUT.

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