Western Football Team Accused of Cursing Queen’s Gaels


After Queen’s crushing defeat on Saturday, Queen’s students and alumni alike have banded together to accuse Western of cursing the Queen’s football game with black magic. The loss, with a final score of 12-43, left Queen’s students drunk, wet, and pissed the fuck off. Whilst being escorted out of the game, several Queen’s students were quoted as saying “Fuck you StuCons, I’m totally not that fucking drunk, man!” Other Queen’s fans appeared to be in shock at the loss. “I have no idea how we lost”, an Arts ‘17 said. “We were making jokes about them jerking off in a circle, there’s no way they could have performed under that kind of pressure”.
The football game was highlighted with Queen’s having approximately 7 attempts on the Western goal line without being able to get past the Western defenders. Golden Words attempted to interview several members of the Queen’s football team after the game only to find that all of the players were communicating in tongues. The Golden Words football correspondent stated “We’re currently unaware if it’s black magic, or just grievous amounts of brain damage”. Reports have it that the Western football team was seen sacrificing a virgin directly before the football game, but many argue that “There’s no way they could have found a virgin at Western, seriously, it’s Western”. Others argue that “Then again, there ARE Western Engineers”.
More proof to the theory of Western’s use of the dark arts was the horrendously fucking awful weather that accompanied the football game. Many argued that the shitty weather was “a curse from the gods”, whereas others argued that “I have had way too much shitty vodka to feel cold, I am fucking invincible, fuck Western, or Wuck Festern, whichever one sounds better, fuck I’m drunk”. The OUA is currently looking into the accusations.