What Happened When I Grew A Moustache? These Things.


As some of you may know, and as most of you probably don’t, I am a HUGE fan of white noise machines. I listen to that shit while I study, while I sleep, while I make pizza pockets, and overtop of television shows. You see me doing something? Chances are that I am bumping that sweet, sweet, white noise. I recently went home with a guy who played a blend of air conditioning fan noises to fall asleep to. The loop was about eight minutes long and at the end of every eight minutes, it skipped and replayed itself. Talk about romance, am I right ladies? Anyways, it really got me thinking, so here’s my list of repetitive loop noises to cue the next time you are getting down and dirty.

5. Railroads
Railroad is a track that features the smooth rumbling of a train rushing over metal tracks. The deep bass and low growl of the train’s engine can be heard in the distance. It’s almost like you can feel the train vibrations, and we all know what vibrations can do haha! The track is self proclaimed as containing “hypnotic clickety-clacking” and if that doesn’t get your rocks off, I’m not quite sure what will.

4. Wind Noise
Ever wanted to have sex in a wind tunnel, but were afraid of having your skin peeled off by the force of the wind? Now’s your chance to pretend you’re doing it! Wind noise is a lot of gusting and wailing (ayyyy lmao) noises, it will give you chills within the first 5 minutes of listening. This white noise is great for beginner’s who are looking for something spicier than missionary, but not as wild as cowboy.

3. Laundromat
Now I know what you’re thinking–Laundromat? Isn’t that where people in cities go to wash their clothes? And to that I say YES! It IS where people in cities wash their clothes. There are the three sexiest things ever in this white noise sonata: people, cleanliness, and a ton of industrial tumbling noises. The best thing about Laundromat is that a regular guy recorded it, which gives it that really raw amateur porn kind of feel.

2. Dark Water
First off, how sexy is the name “dark water”? Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. Anyways, this playlist kind of sounds like when you plug your bathtub shower, then run the shower and let the tub fill up, and then you let the water go down the drain while the shower is running still. It’s supposed to emulate being in an underground water cavern, which is SUPER spicy, and will probably make you feel like you have to pee. BUT–if we learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey and our monthly Cosmo’s–apparently that makes sex better which is why Dark Water has made its way to #2 this issue.

1. Sled Dogs
Sled dogs is for true sex vets only. You can hear and almost feel the soft snow crunching underneath the weight of the dog sled as you tell your dogs to “mush!” onwards. The dogs can be heard, happily panting in the distance as they do the work for you. If you have ever had a fantasy about having sex on a dog sled, or you have a weird besitality thing you’re sort of in treatment for, this song’s for you, baby.