At the end of the day you can’t make people care about things they don’t care about; you’d know this to be true if you’ve ever scrolled past a college improv group on Facebook or tried to feign interest in your dad’s fascination with perennial gardening.
So in light of recent news that Golden Words has failed to pass their 25 cent fee increase, here’s a list of shit I could give a shit about because comedy has died a disgraceful death in that referendum and I will never eat brunch with Larry David because of it.
What makes this better is that you probably don’t know who I am, so this doesn’t work on any level! Just a list of words that if you do end up reading to completion, really shows your parents that you could save them a quarter but not the thousands they are wasting on your education!
- Any movie a white boy my age likes. (Alternative: Any movie a white boy my age liked at the age of 14 – here’s looking at you, Fight Club).
- Greek yogurt – FUCK THIS FATTY WHITE GLUE THAT PEOPLE PEPPER WITH BLUEBERRIES AND TRY TO SELL ME ON ALL THE PROBIOTICS, FUCK.
- Guns – like omg guys they actually kill people and everyone just talks about them way too nonchalantly, like of course no guns ever. Why is this even a contested issue?
- Anyone else’s horoscope besides my own and only if it’s good – Wait? What? How? I thought you were a pessimist and a realist? Well guess what, I’m also a NARCISSIST.
- Anime – Not that I don’t love it, it’s that I just can’t have another “thing”. I already like musicals and know how to sew puppets, at this rate I’m marginalizing myself into a new page (paper humour!)
- Sports that don’t involve the players drinking, so all of them?
- People who hate on Adam Sandler – The man wears sweatpants every day (which is inarguably the dream) and gave us Happy Gilmore.
- Animal rights – HEAR ME OUT, I will always like your Facebook post about how adoption is better than breeding, I don’t own any Canada Goose because I have too much good sense and social anxiety to ever wear it, and yeah sure, we should all be vegans, but at the end of the day, do I really care? I mean, you do know that people are still terrible to other people right? Seems like if we had to make a hierarchical pyramid of what we need to address collectively, animal rights wouldn’t be the pretty cheerleader at the top, but maybe the nice supportive one at the bottom.
- The royal family, especially that stupid baby (What’s the deal with babies? Grow cognitive abilities, babies!)
- Vinyl records.
- People who don’t watch TV ( w h y ) and have to let you know they don’t. Worst, these sonsabitches have the audacity to be so goddamn proud of themselves for it. Frankly, everything I know about anything came from TV. You call it neglectful parenting, I call it 21st century passive education.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson – We get it, you’re smart and have a Twitter.
- People in STEM or business who care about my arts degree – Why do you want more people getting at your jobs? Seems like someone wasn’t listening hard enough in Capitalism 101.
- Tumblr as a social concept. Pad thai as a food. The Vatican as its own country.
- Anything “groundbreaking” Taylor Swift has to say about feminism.
WHAT I WOULD SPEND A QUARTER ON
- a gumball from one of those old timey machines in order to recreate the loss of childhood I experienced as I inevitably aged.
- GOLDEN WORDS.