What is all this Food?!


I’m not quite sure what the origins of Canadian Thanksgiving are. The Americans have their “history” figured out – bunch of puritans arrived at Plymouth Rock; realized they had no clue what they were doing; were saved from starvation by the Native Americans; and they had one big harvest supper to celebrate not dying – right before their descendants stole the Native’s land and proceeded to try and wipe them off the face of the Earth. Hooray! ‘Murica!
Canadian thanksgiving is more complicated in that no one knows what the fuck it’s all about besides turkey and a four day week. Perhaps it’s to celebrate the time that the nation of Turkey helped us stick it to the man and take a sick day? And now, we ritually eat Turkey’s bird-namesake as a way of saying “thanks” for “giving” us a hand, Turkey! Doesn’t sound right but oh well.
Regardless, it gives us a chance to get together with our family and friends and share in the wonder of “holy shit, look at all this food!”
Like, we made all of this? What the fuck?! How are this many plants and animals and chemicals edible? I seriously have no idea. And I’m supposed to fit all this inside me? (That’s what she said.) Ya, right. I’ll pass, thank you very much.
JK Rowling, give me it all! Let’s get a rundown of the plentiful cornucopia of food AND drink that I have spread out before me: Turkey (white and dark meat), Ham, Potatoes, Turnip, Ceasar Salad, Corn, Peas, Stuffing. Gravy, Sweet Potatoes, Cranberry Sauce, Beer, Jameson’s , Crown Royal, Pumpkin Pie, Apple Pie, Cheese, Nanaimo Bars, more Crown Royal, vomit (next morning). How do these people afford all this shit? Are they the Presidents of the world? How else can they pay for this million-dollar meal of kings. There’s not even any Pizza Pockets in there for filler – more impressive than you can imagine.
Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being thankful for all we have in life – and oh boy do they shove that in your face. Nothing says “fuck you, Africa” better than a group of 40 year old men passed out in a living room with gravy on their faces. Not only do we have an insane amount of food to eat, we don’t even end up eating it all! We have leftovers – which we keep around in the fridge for days. Sure, some of it eventually gets eaten. The turkey gets used up in sandwiches but most of the time there’s just TOO MUCH GODDAMN POTATOES, so that and all the other shit gets thrown out after a week and a final middle finger to the 842 million undernourished people around the world.
The term “turkey coma” gets thrown around a lot these days, but, frankly, it’s bullshit, because if it actually put you into a coma a) no one would be laughing about it and; b) we’d start to be super suspicious of what the fuck was in that turkey that made someone slip into a coma.But you know what does make you pass out for reals? Alcohol. Well, combination of alcohol and a football game you could give less of a shit about (Jacksonville vs Tennessee? You can’t prove that these are real teams, Fox Sports). Thanksgiving really gives you the chance to see how drunk you can get before your family notices. My family never noticed, so I was pretty hammered. It was pretty sweet, but I was also fast asleep by like 9pm, so I missed out on, well really nothing. So sure, if that’s what you mean by a “turkey coma”, then yes, I was in one. But only if the turkey involved is Wild Turkey.
I can also see why most mammals bulk up for those winter months now. Once the cold weather comes, I’m going to be very reluctant to go outside to use my barbecue, which is how I cook the majority of my meat. I’m gonna have to reduce myself to one Thanksgiving-sized meal per week – that should sustain me. The average human male of my age needs 2000 calories a day to be healthy. So if I just eat a 14000 Calorie meal, it will balance out.  
So it’s time to scarf some leftovers (gross) and hibernate for the next 5 months. Have fun freezing your asses off, “awake people”! Meanwhile, I’ll be in a deep slumber that can only be awakened in March. And if my housemates are reading this, you’re probably gonna have to pay my rent for these next few months. You’ll understand.
Goodnight and good luck.