Everybody always be like, ‘lmao Jeffery Hall be like a WW2 bunker up in this bitch’ or shit like, ‘damn player, you could survive a freakin’ nuclear apocalypse in the warm embrace of Jeffery – Hall’. But that would be ridiculous right? Right? WRONG. Two Thursdays ago I was fortunate enough to start my ‘Russian prison camp diet’ which consisted of nothing but black bread for a week straight. Cut to 1 Thursday ago and i’m more clogged than a Dutch prince on a shoe-shopping spree. So now after my 9:00 pm night class i’m in the bathroom on the second floor of Jeffery Hall butt chugging blended prunes and praying to the only god I don’t know to let me evacuate at the rear. Four hours later and I finally manage to get some sweet release. It’s now 1:00 am and time to go home. As I climb the stairs and push the door open, nothing happens. I try again and still nothing. Holy cow guys, I’m locked in!
Ok, not a thick deal – I get stuck in buildings all the time and i’ll find a Big Comfy Couch to sleep on until the morning sun graced me with her presence. The problem is I butt chugged 2 five hour energies while I was in the b-room so i’m wired like one of my poorly made circuits. Time to go exploring.
First let me get this out of the way: the floor numbering in Jeffery makes no sense. For a math building you would think they’d be able to count. Why start on floor 3? It’s so limiting man. What if they wanted to build another basement floor? They’d have to call it floor ‘0’ and then floor ‘-1’ and that would Bee (movie) ridiculous. But what i’m about to tell you is ridiculous, more ridiculous than you could ever Imagine (Dragons).
Anyways, so at this point i’m on the first floor (technically the second basement floor) and i’m just trying to go through every door I see. Eventually I come across a door that says ‘mechanical room’ and I’m no mechanical engineer, but I know a door like that has to contain some Goodes (Hall). So I walk in and I see machines and shit, not much out of the ordinary. But I spot something in the corner of my eye that catches my attention. Something I never thought possible on the lowest floor of Jeffery Hall. Stairs. Yes, in the back of this janitorial jail cell there is a staircase leading down.
At this point I’m some kind of combination between sickly curious and lethally horny. I start walking down the steps slowly, taking my time as to not blow my load all at once. I reach the bottom and take a look at the door in front of me. I can’t believe my thighs. My eyes dance up the door to a sign at the top, ‘Floor Zero’, it reads. I instantly ejaculate. Maybe snorting two Viagra™ pills was a bad idea? I enter through the door and a wave of relief washes over me. It’s not as glamorous as I had hoped. It’s just more mechanical shit!
So now i’m feeling a bit down in the dumps. Is this really all that’s in the most coveted location in all of Kingston? I wander around for a bit, looking at generators and pumps. Quite frankly the noise is a bit overwhelming and I want to leave. There’s an unmarked room to the side that looks nice and quiet, maybe I can compose my thought in there? I close the door behind me and the incessant humming stops. I sit down to clean my pants but right as my belt unclasps I hear another noise. This time it’s more distant, more elusive. It sounds like it’s coming from… DOWNSTAIRS?! Do my ears deceive me? I grab my enema bag, fill it with five hour energy and let it do its thing. I’m gonna find out the truth!
I press my head against the wall, it feels more hollow than my ex-girlfriend’s soul. I apply some pressure with my hands but it’s gonna take some force to get through it. I punch the wall, but no luck. I know what has to be done. I grab my enema bag one last time and fill it with all the liquids I have on me – 5 hour energy, prune juice, liquified percocets and some other things I won’t name. I take the freshly used enema tube, wrap it around my wrist and start twirling the bag around my head like a medically unsafe wrecking ball. As the speed increases linearly and hence the centripetal force exponentially (F = mv2/r), I release the concoction and it slams through the wall with a deafening ‘splat’. I carefully crawl through the newly made hole, as to not get any of the juices on me, and to my dismay I find a secret hallway with – oh my – oh my god no it can’t be, IT’S NOT POSSIBLE!! ANOTHER STAIRWELL?? At this point the distant sounds have cleared up and now I can almost make it out. Is it murmurs or hymns? Are there other people here? Will my enema obsession finally cease now that my bag is ruined? Eh probably not.
This stairwell seems unsafe. It’s rickety like my grandfather but sticky like my cousin Nikky. As I descend the noises gets louder. It’s definitely hymns. I get to a door and can’t believe what i’m seeing, ‘Floor -1’. My body goes through the motions of an involuntary ejacutlaion, but i’m so dehydrated and hysterical that all I can muster is a little bit of pee. I trudge onwards. There’s one door at the end of the hallway. With every stride the hymns grow in volume, what language are they speaking? My heart’s pounding, my erection is growing and my thoughts are racing. I place my sweaty hand on the knob, twist and go in.
I walk onto a balcony of what looks like a hugh mungus auditorium. The hymns are so loud at this point that I have to stuff my ears with cotton swabs just to keep moving. I peer over the balcony and can’t believe my eyes. Hundreds, no thousands, of red hooded individuals are circling around a stage chanting hymns. It’s only now I realize the magnitude of this operation. The hoods seem to go on forever, a never ending sea of red and a single man in a black hood in the center. I take a closer look and see one someone familiar, he’s older and I can’t seem to place it…Is that one of my professors? And another one! Oh my god these are all professors. Then who’s in the middle?
The chants start getting softer and I lower my head as to not be seen. Suddenly the man in the middle gets up and motions everyone to be still. All their heads are raised in unison and they all say, ‘Jeffery’. Then it hits me, that is Sir. Jeffrey himself standing in the middle and commanding all the professors. Shocked and afraid I clenched every muscle in my body and I felt something. I let out an explosive fart with so much force that the sound reverberated throughout and interrupted the entire ceremony. My legs started running but I slipped on all the excrements I expelled but didn’t let it stop me. I turned around and could see the massive crowd in uproar, Jeffery started directly into my soul and I saw the exact moment of my death. I ran faster than I thought humanly possible. Bolting through the hall and jumping up the stairs, I made it back to the 3rd floor (ground floor) in 5 minutes.
As I walk outside the sun is starting to rise. How long was I in there for? What exactly did I witness? I guess we’ll never know. What I do know is that I’m tired, soaked in an indescribable stench and have an 8:30am class. Time to start my morning routine. I head to Shoppers to grab an enema and Starbucks to grab my coffee. I’ve learned nothing. Will anyone even believe what I tell them?