So Homecoming came and went and assumedly a good time was had by all; late night revelers were spotted indulging and carousing in almost every single building throughout Kingston. This in and of itself is not much of a surprise but what surprised this reporter was the fact that almost every single person was drunk. Now nobody has ever accused this reporter of being a prudish or judgemental person, but it has to be admitted that I cannot trust alcohol or anyone that has ever drunken a sip of those devil cocktails. It is an undeniable fact that every single person, a staggering 100%, who has permitted that sin juice to pass their lips has died. It may be true that drinking makes you aggressively awesome and incites an urge in others to hang out with you. However, readers, do not let these promises of cool friends and the inevitable vomit sway you to the dark side of the force. Fear not, for there is an alternative to the liquor that is slowly melting away your insides. This reporter has been sent the answer, like a light from on high a perfect alternative struck me, almost bringing me to my knees. The answer, true friends, lies in the realm of the ‘so called’ harder drugs.
At this point you might be thinking, ‘but isn’t alcohol legal and advocated by most party-goers as a relatively safe way to enjoy an event like Homecoming’, while hard drugs are only used by those ultimate edge lords who are too cool to care about safety. FALSE. In fact the view that hard drugs can negatively affect your health is an elaborate lie propagated by the media and the fat cats at humongous beverage corporations such as Skinny Girl Vodka. If you look at any brand name alcoholic beverage website you will find that they never give you an adequate description of what their product will do to your body. They don’t want you to know what just one alcohol can do to your brain, stomach, or lungs! This reporter however through extensive deep web browsing has uncovered the truth. In order to cover up the shortcomings of their brand created a scapegoat in the drug we know today as crack cocaine. The myth is that this drug can bring harm onto your body in the way of tooth loss, paranoia, and death; but in reality those are the symptoms brought by over indulgence in alcohol. What the corporations don’t want you to know is that Crack actually makes your stronger and more handsome, as well as cure the afflictions of weak knees and hair loss.
Readers may find themselves shocked and disillusioned once these nuggets of wisdom are dropped on your heads, you may find yourself unable to distinguish truth from lies. The way forward is the way of crack-cocaine, this reporter has never touched a drop of alcohol and uses crack quite liberally and has only benefitted from the process; the proof is most certainly in the pudding. In reality crack can do wonders for your overall well-being, it encourages one to be an active member of both the party scene and the charitable community. That is why next Homecoming we as Queen’s students must rally against the alcoholic capitalist regime, we must resist the temptation. Next Homecoming we all must rise up, pour out or alcoholic devil sodas, and then all come back to this reporter’s house afterwards for some crack. Only once those multi-national conglomerates are aware that we know the truth will the veil finally be lifted and alcohol be revealed for what it truly is; a sham. Stay strong true believers and through your hard work and belief this country will be transformed into a new era of crack-filled enlightenment.