What Your Caffeine Intake Says About You

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Well I have no idea how this happens so fast, but we’re currently in week 9 of second semester. I’d like to take a moment to bitch slap everyone in fourth year with the harsh reality that you only have 3.5 weeks left of being able to acceptably drink at noon on a Friday. After that, you’re gonna have to get a job and buy a house with a mortgage and get married and have children who you don’t like because they use all of your money causing you to slowly become a bitter husk of your former self. Or you could do a master’s. Either way, you’re probably going to need some help getting through your day. Fortunately, the most important thing you’ve learned in your time at Queen’s is how to effectively use caffeine to sustain your sleep-deprived, malnourished corpse of a productive human body. But how many cups is the right amount for you? I’ll tell you! Through the use of generic categorizations of behaviour based on how much caffeine you consume! Please find yourself below:

1-2 cups of coffee per day – You’re extremely average. Chances are you probably don’t even like coffee and would much rather be drinking chocolate milk or a box of juice. You probably also talk about how much of a coffee high you’re on whenever you have a sip and yet you’ll still manage to be asleep halfway through class. You should accept that you’re not yet ready to commit to the world of caffeine addiction, and you’d probably be better off in a kindergarten class where you can have the necessary naps you need to get through the day.

3-5 cups of coffee per day – You are a hardened coffee veteran. You most likely can’t move until you’ve had your first cup of the day and you have completely lost count of how many roll up the rims you’ve won. Your bank account is probably also as shrivelled and empty as your stomach. At least you can stay awake for most of the day before you explosively crash at 8pm.

6+ cups of coffee per day – You’ve reached a heightened level of focus and can literally sense the motion of time as it flows past you. You’ve graduated from buying single cups of coffee and now carry an espresso machine and a straw with you at all times. You probably can’t even read this article because of the uncontrollable shaking you experience at every waking moment of your day – which is actually 24 hours a day because you can no longer go to sleep. Your resting heart rate is 220 bpm and you can no longer form a normal smile. Your GPA is 4.3 which also corresponds to the expected number of years you have left to live. God save your soul.

Jager-Bombs – You are essentially the equivalent of the 6+ cups of coffee drinker, except your GPA is somehow negative. Party on bro!

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