Forget palm reading or what your friends and families say about you, the only really way to get to know a person or yourself is through what your puke looks like. There’s probably a professional out there somewhere who agrees that vomit holds the secret to a person’s entire essence… because it comes from within.
Good ol’ fashioned green slime: You’re a truth seeker who edits Wikipedia regularly. Your favourite pages to edit are Sigmund Freud’s biography and Rush Hour 2. Your mom also wishes you’d phone her more. You have her eyes.
Orangey, watery gunk with breakfast chunks: You’re a passionate romance who loves grand gestures of love – whether you will admit it or not. Whether it’s surprising your significant other with jewelry or eating their hair so they can be inside for you forever, you just love love.
Thick Gatorade-infused mush: For you, war is never the answer and you’re not ashamed to admit you think DC movies are far better than the shit that Marvel is putting out. To you, Robert Downey Jr. is just some addict who will relapse any moment. What kind of move is that, Marvel? To have your entire franchise reliant on a ticking time bomb’s sobriety?
Half a liter of 1% milk: You’re not like other girls! You only have guy friends! Haha! You’re such a tomboy! Pink is for other girls but you’re not like other girls! Because you’re the only one in this dystopian futuristic world who understands. Everyone is sorted into class based groups by the Elders and they just can’t fit you into any scheme they have. You’re an anomaly. You’re the Chosen One. You’re the saviour who is dealing with the love triangle between a BDSM vampire and a Native American werewolf who never got cast in anything ever again.
Coercive bile: You’re not a vegan because the wellness and treatment of animals is important to you, you’re a vegan because you get erotic satisfaction when people can’t accommodate your dietary needs. You’re at the brink of an orgasm when you see the concerned looks of people who are just trying to get you something to eat. Yeah, bitch, I can’t have anything made from animal labour, continue struggling, it’s making me all hot and bothered.
Diarrhea that has come out of your mouth instead of your anus: You’re probably in the commerce program – seek medical professional help.
Bits of digested newspaper and orange juice: You love current events because you’re clearly eating the daily newspaper. Jesus fuck, get a hold of yourself.
Blood: You’re a sensitive soul who can’t get enough of Jack Johnson. Look out for lucky numbers 4-19-12-49. And maybe get your last will and testament going, I don’t know, you don’t have much to leave to your loved anyways.
Haven’t puked ever: You need to look into taking more risks, like maybe doing something that’ll make you puke. Tequila, cyanide, baby powder in water, watching the newly rebooted Fantastic Four: pick your poison.