It’s Sunday right now, so I have no clue who won the election, but I do know that everything has presumably gone to shit. Hopefully classes are still going on and the rioting has stayed safely south of the border, but since you people for some reason think that your opinions on this election matter even though you’re not American citizens, there’s a fair chance that classes have been cancelled, and campus has been placed on lockdown as a result of widespread fires and looting. On that note I’d like to thank you for venturing into the violent hell hole that Queen’s campus has probably become just to pick up a copy of this newspaper and read my badly written horseshit. The horseshit I’ll be writing about in this issue is what can be done to rebuild America now that the country has completely fallen apart. I sometimes go to class, so you can trust my judgement in being a policy expert and my opinions on how to solve the civil and military crises destroying America – despite the fact that I have not consulted one of the many policy experts that actually teach at this school. With that being said, here’s exactly what America needs to do to rebuild and retake its place at the forefront of the world’s stage.
Step One: Promptly Intervene to Stop the Civil War before it goes Nuclear again
At this point I’m assuming that at least three to five major cities in the US have been nuked. My bet is that New York, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Chicago, and Miami have all been destroyed in Nuclear fire as a result of the civil war that has broken out due to the contentious election results. The first four cities were probably nuked because they were important. Miami was probably nuked because the other 49 States just wanted an excuse to destroy Florida. In order to stop this infighting Canada should lead a NATO invasion of the US and occupy the entire country. During this occupation any state that wants to join Canada will be able to.
Step Two: Rewrite the Constitution so that the only people who can vote or hold office are Elephants and Donkeys
Allow the states that didn’t want to join Canada to reunite as the New United States of America. The important part here is that we make sure that their new constitution stipulates that the franchise is strictly limited to donkeys and elephants. And we’re talking purebred here, none of that mule shit. Yes the former party mascots will now be the defenders of American democracy. It is my opinion that having only elephants and donkeys be allowed to vote and hold office will be vital in eliminating the partisan politics that had plagued America up until the 2016 presidential election because donkeys and elephants cannot fundamentally understand the nuances of human rights or religion.
Step Three: Watch as America is United in Their Fight Against Animal Misrule
Inevitably the donkeys and elephants are going to run the country into the fucking ground. There is no way that those elephants and donkeys will be able to run an economy or justice system. They don’t have very good brains or opposable thumbs. What will happen is that Americans will be united in their desire to overthrow the animal government so they can finally regain the services and administration that they need from a government. Hopefully in this fight to regain power, Americans will realise that they are not so different and America can finally know peace.
So there you go. All we need to do is stop Americans from nuking each other and replace all their elected officials with animals to show them that they’re not actually that different after all.