When Parents Visit


           There are certain thoughts that every student has before and during a visit from the parents: why are you doing this, what did I do wrong, can you buy me groceries, shit I should probably clean, and is there a way I can get out of this? Even if, for some unknown reason, you miss the presence of your family, you really don’t want them to come visit. It’s easier and less terrifying to just go home to see them. There are things you just don’t care to hear that your parents will inevitably say upon entering your sub-par, center-of-the-party-street, solo-cups-instead-of-front-yard, definitely-hasn’t-been-cleaned-in-the-past-month apartment.  Here are a few of those things they might say and a few suggested responses:
           “Honey, when was the last time you cleaned this bathroom?”
a) You’re supposed to clean bathrooms?
b) I think you did, last time you were here.
c) Sorry, our cleaning lady has been sick. (Sarcasm is tricky, only suggested for parents who will take it as truth)
           “How long have these crusty dishes been here?
a) Long enough that some things have started to decompose, apparently.
b) I think I’ve created life among the bacteria, do you want me to kill an entire ecosystem.
c) They aren’t my dishes. (Beware, this may start a rant on how you can’t let your roommates get away with things like this and this is your house too.)
           “You’ve got to be considerate of your housemates.”
a) Maybe I’ll start being considerate when they start keeping it down at night.
b) I’m going to say you’re right, Mom, because I can’t be bothered to hear another lecture on how shitty of a housemate I am and how you would know best because I was your housemate for 17 years.
c) Nah.
           “Look at all these bottles, they can’t all be yours?”
a) Yes they are, and I am proud of that.
b) Yes they are, I might have a problem.
c) Nah.
           “How often do you go out young man/lady?”
a) Only all weekend, every weekend; I’m not an alcoholic.
b) Every night but Wednesday – Hump day is for recovery.
c) I think an easier question to answer would be when don’t I go out. In fact I’m going out right now, catch ya laterz.
           “Are you drunk right now!?”
a) No, but I wish.
b) Yes, care to join me?
c) Maybeh, wat izz it tuh you?!
           However you may choose to reply, tread lightly, parents will find your weakness and exploit it in any way they see fit. In many cases no answer will be the right answer, but not answering will get you in more trouble. Parents are a paradox.  Good luck.