Where Are They Now? The Cast of Archie Comics


Y’all remember Archie comics? That was lit dude. To me there’s nothing more interesting than reading about the lives of like 10 high schoolers perpetually trapped in grade 12 forever and forced to live through the monotony of going to yet another school dance, having 2 dates booked in one night, or that one time Archie Andrews got shot in the stomach and died. That actually happened, look that up. He jumped in front of his friend Kevin, who’s a senator, took a bullet for him and died. Why couldn’t they have killed Dilton? That kid sucks. In any matter, I was white privileged enough to get my large cis-hands on a totally real comic that details what happens to all your favorite characters from Archie Comics!

Archie Andrews:
Six feet underground in the Riverdale cemetery buried next to his grandfather, Andy Andrews. Archie’s mom, Mary, places a fresh pair of roses on her son’s grave every day as a cruel reminder that her only child was robbed of her. Archie’s dad, Fred, has only been to his son’s grave on the day of the funeral but was so convulsive and hysterical, he hasn’t visited since.

Jughead Jones:
Current world record burger eating champion! In 2014 he went head-to-head against Tekeru Kobayashi and beat him 100 – 98 burgers. Kobayashi was so ashamed of his loss against a fictional character that he rested his head on a bun to cry. Jughead mistook him for a hot dog, ate his insides and won the title for ‘world record cannibalism’. He is serving 5 years in Riverdale Penitentiary.

Betty Cooper :
Riverdale’s classic girl-next-door ended up in a brothel in Manhattan’s lower east side after Archie’s untimely death. Since his murder was one day before their wedding, Betty suffered a mental breakdown and disappeared for several years. Only when Mr. Flutesnoot visited the brothel for ‘scientific reasons’ was she discovered: starting her new life to forget the memory of losing her high school sweetheart.

Veronica Lodge:
When Archie finally proposed to Betty, Veronica knew she was in trouble. When she was 14, her father Hiram Lodge told her that if Archie didn’t choose her, then her marriage would be arranged. In 2013 is was announced that Veronica Lodge would marry Muhammad Ach-El A Bus, a Saudi-Iranian oil mogul. She was last spotted shopping in Dubai. Classic Veronica!

Reggie Mantle:
This Riverdale sex icon has definitely done his rounds. He was recently diagnosed with a rare STI after an unfortunate ‘run-in’ with a homeless trainyard drifter in the bathroom of Pop Tate’s Chocklit Shoppe. Surprisingly, after going to the hospital to get checked, it turned out he had 7 forms of gonorrhea and 3 forms of full-blown tertiary syphilis. He has 6 months left. Even in the face of death, Reggie is happy he’ll be joining his friend Archie in heaven–but little does Reggie know–he’s going to hell.

Cheryl Blossom:
After high school, Cheryl attended Stanford University for undergrad and then Harvard Law. She graduated at the top of her class and immediately got a position at Latham & Watkins, the largest law firm by revenue in New York City. She quickly rose to partner position and is now the highest paid lawyer in New York City. In 2014 she married Mitchell Kennedy, JFK’s grandson and they settled in a penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park. They have a great life together.

Jason Blossom:
Died in Afghanistan in 2012. His body was never found. All his parents want is a proper burial for their son.

Moose Mason:
This football-star-to-be had a successful stint playing college ball at the University of Michigan. After not graduating for 10 years and failing every test he ever had to write, he was expelled and forced to play for Michigan State. In his famous ‘expulsion statement’ that was broadcast all over the nation, he stated he would rather join ISIS than play for the Michigan Spartans. He can still be found in online videos, but they are not of him playing football.

Dilton Doiley:
Undergrad at MIT. MSc degree at Harvard. PhD at Zurich Institute of Technology where Einstein went. Dilton Doiley is currently the smartest living man. His 2012 paper on Relativistic Quantum Field Theory made Neil Degrasse Tyson and Bill Nye cum in their pants upon reading it. He currently holds a full professorship at Princeton in the same office that Einstein used. It’s projected that he will figure out how to travel faster than the speed of light in the next 5 year. Spoiler alert, he’s already done it 😉

Ethel Muggs:
Down in the dumps after Jughead’s incarceration, she moved to Los Angeles to pursue her dream of being LA’s first tall actress. She immediately booked her first film ‘Tall and Proud’. Little did she know–she actually did–that the film was a pornographic production. She had so much fun that she kept doing adult films and eventually found her niche producing tall people porn.

Chuck Clayton:
He married his highschool sweetheart, Nancy Woods. They have 3 kids and are doing quite well for themselves.

Brigitte Reilly:
After high school she got a modeling gig for Vogue and hasn’t looked backed. She’s gained a lot of fame recently when she walked through Time Square wearing a still breathing lion carcass in protest of the fur industry but realized the irony seeing as she just killed that lion and wasted it all.

Mr. Weatherbee:
After retiring at 65, he fell into a deep depression. Feeling responsible for all of his students’ futures, he moved to rural Virginia with Ms. Grundy. No one has heard from them in over 10 years.