Where your Student Activity Fees are Really Going

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The AMS has been adding small fees onto to your solus account since the beginning of time, or the beginning of your solus account. Almost every student pays these fees, and then promptly complains about it. But can you really be sure where they’re going? Sure, there may be a little committee or club next to each fee, but are they even real? I mean, AMS Accessibility Fee? How can they charge an accessibility fee when they don’t give you access to the truth? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s no telling how deep this rabbit-hole goes. All we can be sure of is that whatever the big organization tells you is a lie, because that’s how conspiracies work damnit.

Golden Words sent its top spy/journalist (who definitely isn’t some kid from Notre-Dame who we kidnapped and put a fake moustache on) into the AMS Assembly to see what we could unearth about this very real, non-outlandish, cover-up. After we gave our inside man the agreed-upon 2 litres of Mountain Dew and some vape juice, he told us that no discussion of fees or where they were being spent occurred. However, he also told us that he spent the meeting scrolling through his Ask.fm account and playing with a fidget spinner. This excuse was a bit mind-boggling seeing as the spy was literally sat between the president and the commissioner of academic affairs. Although our initial strategy was as conniving as it was inconspicuous, we didn’t account for our spy being a bit dense, so the operation was doomed from the start.

The next assembly rolled around, and we found a new mole that was a bit less of an idiot, and already had a real moustache. Progress was being made. Our new inside man reported no outright discussion of anything out of the ordinary, however, there were rumblings of an “Operation Spend the Fee Money on Some Dumb Shit, but we Tell Everybody that we Spend it on Some Other Shit” between the higher-ups. What could this mean? How long has this been going on? Could the AMS have been funnelling cash into the Iraq War? Do they pay for the projection in the sky that conformists call “the moon”? Could they even be paying off writers at The Journal to keep quiet on the news matters that only this publication will speak on? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions?

I think it’s safe to assume that the AMS has been behind every conspiracy for ages. Everything from Amelia Earhart, to the dark secrets that lie under Denver Airport have AMS written all over them. Example: look at the sentence “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” Normal fact, right? Look closer: “Jet fuel cAn’t Melt steel beamS”. Coincidence? Who knows? The point is, this conspiracy goes higher up than you could ever imagine. Nobody can trust anybody, and the only one brave enough to speak the truth is me…and Alex Jones probably.

Clearly this exposure will require even more research, and nothing is more important to this publication than the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If you’re reading this and want to smash this conspiracy, go on your solus and opt out of all Student Activity Fees now! Tell the AMS that you won’t stand for their elaborate charade any longer! But still pay the Golden Words fee though. Come on guys, its only $2.

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