There isn’t even a set up to this article. The situation is just too absurdly hypothetical to put in a relatable context, but it’s week 12 and I’ve given up. So here you go, here’s a list of which Muppet I would choose if I was in maximum security and got to pick my cellmate.
This is only the case if my childhood fantasy/adult escape plan of being able to ride on Big Bird’s back while we fly the coop (literally) is factually correct. If this isn’t the case, Big Bird and his annoying nasally voice won’t be anywhere near my cell, or I’d probably end up getting additional time added on for strangling a fellow inmate.
Oscar the Grouch
Oscar lives in a trash can, so he’s used to small spaces. Just judging by the look of him, I’m pretty certain he’s done hard time before; he’d be a great guy to show me the ropes. Oscar isn’t the type to be messed with, so I’m sure I could count on him to protect me from getting my dessert stolen in the cafeteria.
Kermit the Frog
I can guarantee that Kermit is inside for either running a prostitution ring, or smuggling drugs over the border. Either way, he has some useful contacts for when I eventually get out. Kermit seems to be the type of guy to have a bunch of entertaining stories about doing lines off of strippers’ asses in Vegas, so we could bond over this common interest.
Count von Count
Between the two of us, I’m certain we could run the tables at the biweekly blackjack game the Aryan Brotherhood hosts. If I’m going to be inside anyways, I might as well get my money’s worth and run up a small fortune in cigarettes and shaving cream while I’m there.
I’m not sure Beeker is technically a Sesame Street character, and I know he’s not technically a scientist, but I am positive that he could brew some fantastic toilet hooch. Beeker and I would be getting turnt AF for two years less a day.
Every other Muppet, then Elmo
Elmo is dead last on this list, because I absolutely hate Elmo. Imagine resigning yourself to being in prison, and then you show up and you’ve been assigned this twat as a cellmate. Not only would you have to put up with the fact that you got the weakest, most annoying Sesame Street character as your cellmate, but you’d have to listen to him giggle all night while he tickles himself. Fuck Elmo.