Why are we here? It’s one of the oldest questions that mankind has ever asked itself. Is there some greater purpose to life? Is there existence beyond death? Is there a benevolent god who watches over us, or is life just a meaningless accident? I don’t have the answer to any of these questions, but I do have the answer to this one. Why am I here?
I’m here, sitting in the Clark Hall Pub lounge, hungover, and hunched over a keyboard for one simple reason. I’m washed up. Now you may be asking yourself “Brendan, how are you washed up? You’re the (co)-editor of this paper now. You have power that you can now use to make Golden Words™ writers perform menial tasks for you and a media platform of which you’re in charge that you can use to publish whatever the hell it is you want the fine students of Queen’s to see. That doesn’t sound like the situation of a guy who’s washed up”.
Well that’s where you’re wrong. Management is exactly what washed up people do. Why is Trump president? Not because he’s delusional and power hungry, but because he knew he was done as a reality TV show host and wanted to get into a cushy management job where he could take credit for the work that all his underlings do for him. The same goes for me. My once vast wealth of ideas for good articles is just not what it used to be. Instead of the bright-eyed 18 year old staff writer I was when I started at Golden Words™, I’m now a haggard 19 year old staff writer who applied to be editor in order to hide the fact that I am fast running out of quality content to publish.
You all know the old phrase “Those who can’t do teach”. Most of us have even heard the new version from the 2003 blockbuster “School of Rock” – “Those who can’t do teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym”. The version you may not have heard is the one that I just made up for the purposes of this editorial. “Those who can’t do teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym. Those who can’t teach gym write. Those who can’t write, write for a newspaper. Those who can’t write for a newspaper edit a newspaper. Those who can’t edit newspaper write for Golden Words™. Those who can’t write for Golden Words™ edit Golden Words™. Those who can’t edit Golden Words™ write for The Journal. Those who can’t write for The Journal edit The Journal. Those who can’t edit The Journal run the AMS. Those who can’t do that must not really be able to do much of anything”.
It’s pretty obvious where exactly I sit on that continuum of capability, not at the top by all means, but still not flirting with AMS leadership down there at the bottom (for now at least #TEAMPBRFORAMSEXEC2018).
For the next year, I’m here. Maybe if I do a good enough job they’ll give me my job as a staff writer back, but for now Sam and I are really excited to be editing the paper for its next edition. We can’t wait to bring you laughter and joy, and maybe even get you cheapskates to cough up 25 extra fucking cents during the next referendum cycle so we can get clean drinking water for our staff.