I made it through the first 17 years of my life without the ability to read. Everything went pretty smoothly. I managed to kiss enough ass in high school to get accepted at Queen’s, and I figured after pulling that off I was in the clear to live out the rest of my life in illiterate bliss. Then I discovered this paper and came to the sobering realisation that if I wanted to be a semi-professional dick joke writer one day a week I would need to learn to read and write. So at the age of 18 I dedicated one week to mastering the craft that is the English language–it fucking sucked.
Don’t get me wrong I love writing for this paper, but I would be lying to you if I said that my former illiteracy didn’t come with quite a few benefits. So it is with this in mind that I have assembled some of the benefits of being illiterate below for you unfortunate, literate fucks to consider.
1. Snape kills Dumbledore, Walter White dies, Ned Stark dies, Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, Darth Vader is Luke’s father (and also dies). If you were illiterate you wouldn’t have been able to read any of those spoilers.
2. You have plausible deniability when you callously look at and don’t respond to your friends texts.
3. It’s impossible to delve into the world of non-state approved literature and be charged with thought crimes.
4. You can proudly wear the “No Hablo” bar on your jacket in the ultimate display of not giving a shit.
5. You have something in common with R. Kelly and Floyd Mayweather. Two very successful–definitely not criminal–men.
6. You can’t read fucked up ads on craigslist and feel the indescribable sensation of unease that people unlucky enough to be literate do.
7. It greatly decreases your chances of being charged and convicted of witchcraft.
8. You don’t have to deal with reading aggressively offensive graffiti in bathroom stalls.
9. You actually have an excuse for never doing your readings.
10. There’s absolutely no way you can read The Journal.