Why Harry Potter is Bad For Young Children


Alright kids, listen the fuck up. If you were thrown Harry Potter books when you were a kid, this article is for you. If you enjoyed the movies, this is for you. If you are thinking of having kids in the future, throw together a cup of coffee and listen up. 
Harry Potter has ruined the minds of this generation and we need to stop the madness, now. First of all, the induction of magic into the minds of young children is not only a bad idea but, quite possibly the worst idea you can have as a parent. After reading the first book, every kid is suddenly going to think that they are going to go off to Hogwarts and live a magical life. They become consumed with the fantastic and think that they can fly on brooms. Why do you think children break their arms and legs? Yeah, that’s what I thought, trying to fly on the broom you have in the closet, unchained. 
At this point, most of us think we are wizards. I mean, hello (not from the other side), we go to Hogwarts and I have a magical car that I need to hide with my invisibility cloak. Do you see the problem yet?? 
Okay, you probably don’t because it seems cool, so let me spell it out for you idiots. I have a magical car. It’s currently in that creepy tree outside Douglas right now. The dementors, those scary things that lerk around during midterm and finals season, they are sucking the life out of us right now. We walk into the library at ten and don’t leave till it’s dark outside. That is no life, but it’s your life. Also, the prefered mode of transportation to muggles are cars and bikes. I cannot ride my broomstick around because my cloak has to be on my car all the time as my housemates always ask to drive it. So, yeah, that’s the huge issue right now. Not the fact that I drove it into the tree, but that they want to drive it too often. 
So, I hope that you can see the brewing issues here. If children get a hold of Harry Potter knowledge, there will be a generation of superiority. We can’t have that. Look at the shit that’s going on with Trump right now. He was too exposed to Harry Potter. Exposure to magic gets worse as you grow up, we need to bring them to Sunday Church services, teach them the good principles of how to be a good person. 
The good things that are going to come out of this,, trust me. There will be no frogs dipped in chocolate in the kitchen, trust me on this, trying to get a chocolate frog is too difficult for comfort and trying to clean up after them is a fucking mess. That’s why my housemates are mad at me currently. I had to lie and tell them that I fell into the mud but I don’t think they believed me. Bertie Bott’s every flavour beans can and will induce vomit, let the children go out and drink enough to throw up, candy is too precious a thing to have food eversion from. 
Lesson One: Don’t let your kids watch the Harry Potter movies. Lesson Two: Do not let them read the books, reading is poison on its own. Lesson Three: Hide your brooms, your wands, and your magic car.