Why I am a Student Dick Joke Writer


When I tell my friends I’m taking 6 courses I don’t usually get a response. When I tell them that I reserve up to 45 minutes each week to write a comedy article for some shitty pizza I still don’t get a response. Probably because I don’t have any friends. Nonetheless it has become the case that spewing my humor in this newspaper and shooting it all over the campus is what I live for. But, you may ask, what is it that started this obsession? 
It all got started when I was 5 years old and heard two 4th graders say the funniest word ever; ‘boobs’. I couldn’t stop myself from snickering at such an intrinsically funny word. If just a simple utterance like that could bring joy back into this world then I would shout it to the heavens! This of course mostly just lead to detention instead of world peace, but set me off on a path that will inevitably end in a future cracking jokes at pundits on cable news in my underwear.
When I made it to grade 9 I was prepared to impress my peers with the skills I’d been building up over the summer (by this point I could both burp AND fart the alphabet, forwards and backwards). I soon found that the place was seriously lacking comedic talent. They say humor is all about juxtaposition, but those brutes thought it was funny that I could fit in a locker when forced. Lockers are for storing gym clothes and that month old yogurt that fell out of your lunch box, not a place for people. Suffice to say that when I graduated from my highschool and made it to Queen’s I had decreased the average IQ at both places.
When quizzed most people think we do this to try and lighten spirits, break the mundanity of school work, and delight the sundry saddened souls stuck studying in Stauffer, but this could not be farther from the truth. So why did I sell my body to Golden Words? I wanted to feel what it was like to do something impractical. Something even more completely useless than that semester you took Ancient Humor. As every Commie knows, something worth doing is only worth doing if you can put it on your LinkedIn profile, but I wanted to buck the standard. 
Seriously, this paper is only exists to ensure the continuous slaughter of the rainforests; no one actually reads it. You could shove a newspaper in someone’s face and all they’d do is call the cops. Our University prides itself on letting students pretend to run shit and govern themselves, but forgets to tell us that it matters just as much as when you were elected on your high school student council because the only people who voted were your friends. 
I’ll know that on the day I graduate I’ll know that my dick jokes will live on in the anals (<– See what I did there?) of university history. Well at least until eventually future generations look back on this era in time as backwards and politically incorrect