Why Mathematicians are the Worst: A Rant


Don’t get me wrong, I love math more than I love black tar heroin, but there’s just some rage within me that has me fucking hate the people who invented it. Read on for a juicy rant.

Okay, first off, I don’t understand the lack of humanity here but someone really has to do something about those little areas of grass people walk on that’s between 2 perpendicular paths, y’know, like when you walk on the grass to cut a corner for a most efficient path? (hold on I’ll make my point soon) Personally, I find it disgusting. That grass is being slaughtered by the hand, or should I say feet, of laziness and ignorance, and there is only one person to blame. Pythagoras. That fucking bastard. This monster of a mathematician has now had people realize the mathematical glory of the hypotenuse, and personally, I wish he never thought it up. Fuck you Pythagoras, you will never be able to revive the grass you have so simply been able to take away from our lives.

Secondly, I’d like to discuss a completely disgusting human being, and this human being went by the name Sir Isaac Newton. We get it, you’re a “Sir.” You can stop mentioning that to women every time you reach a lit ball. Anyways, what a god damn shit-hole of a person. How cocky does one person have to be to just all of a sudden invent calculus. Like fuck you you tool. I can just see him sitting down in his 1600’s home chillin’ with his long-ass hair thinking about all the attention he doesn’t get on his birthday cuz its the same as Jesus’, and just thinking “math isn’t that good yet, im gunna invent more math. Rofl im sew smrt #derivatives.” Y’see? Tool. He may have lived to age 84 at a time when life expectancy was 35, but clearly there are many other people who deserve to have a unit named after them. How much force? I’d say about 34.6 Kanyes [West].

Thirdly, and finally, Archimedes is a notable mathematician who has a special place in the cold dark parts of my heart. The worst part of this man is he’s so old that when I researched him for this article, most photos were him as a bust. How extra can he be?? Just get painted like the rest of them. What’s wrong with him is I don’t even know if he ever existed. As the reliable Wikipedia writes: “few details of his life are known”, so like, wait, what? Just few? Anyways, he invented pi, which I can say is pretty dope, but c’mon, was it really so hard realising that sitting in a tub of water would raise the height of the water. This man is getting too much credit. I’d like to finish this paragraph with some puns. Like seriously. Not even an integral part of the math community. This man had to stop being such an infinitesimal bitc+h. He really needed to find another area of study. I hate myself for that last one.

Overall, never trust a mathematician. They may turn you into a black tar heroin addict.