Woolf-Bear Fight to be Highlight of Homecoming

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EXCLUSIVE: Golden Words has received confirmation that the newest homecoming event this year will be a contest of strength featuring Principal Daniel Woolf and “Boohoo” the black bear. This much-anticipated matchup will see the Principal pitted against Boohoo, the beloved Queen’s mascot, in a gladiatorial-style fight to the death. The winner will be named the eternal Principal and Vice-Chancellor of the University.
The rationale behind the event is that students and alumni will place bets on the outcome of the fight through the Office of Advancement, ensuring that future construction on Richardson Stadium is possible. “Advancement will be taking a 20% cut on all bets placed during and before the event, which should drive in the additional $15 million needed to complete the architectural drawings for the planned renovations.”
“We’re optimistic that this event will really bring students and alumni closer as they watch a man fight a bear.”
When asked if the fight was going to be rigged, a spokesperson for the university said, “We believe this needs to be a fair fight. We don’t want to ‘bear’ our influence on the outcome, as that would make the fight meaningless. As much as we hope to see our beloved principal win, it will be up to fate and the training of the two competitors to determine the outcome of this bout” (*wink wink*).
Spokespeople for the Office of Alumni Relations have said that they are hoping that both challengers will manage to survive four or five rounds before a winner is apparent. “It’s all about students and alumni feeling that they get their money’s worth.”
Preliminary odds on the event are 10 to 1 on Boohoo winning after the third round. One student was quoted as saying, “It’s a fucking grown bear, what do you expect? It doesn’t matter how strong or witty the principal is if he’s fighting a full-grown bear.”
This fight is just one of many new events to be scheduled this year during the weekend-long celebration of binge-drinking and pretending to care about college sports. Other reported new events include the AMS “Let’s Not Trash Aberdeen Right Away” Street Party Festival, and a chug-a-thon at The Queen’s Pub.
This homecoming will also mark the return of other favourite events including not flipping cars, and waking up at 6 PM on Saturday afternoon with no memory of Friday night, in a pool of your own vomit, and wearing only a Queen’s Flag.
At press time, QTV was still trying to get broadcast rights for the fight.

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