You Think You Have Opinions? WHAT ABOUT MY OPINIONS


If you think I’m going to listen to another one of your long, tiring tirades about how you feel about Squirrel Genocides and the Alolan Pokemon- you had better take a third walk around the flipping block and reconsider your choices my friend. I don’t have time for your opinions, I’m way too busy making my own opinions. How am I supposed to hear two opinions on an issue when I already have the right opinion- MY OWN. Buzz off suckers and let me spit some realism that will fill your mind with wonder and confusion.

My opinions are the most top tier, well thought out opinions on the Internet. I am the pinnacle of intelligence and wisdom- you don’t understand the world if you don’t agree with my opinions. You are but a sad, sweet little lamb that I have a burning need to shape into the strong, muscular sheep of today’s world, using my wit, charm, and maybe a little cleavage flash. If someone doesn’t agree with me, sex appeal is a great tactic for convincing someone to switch their views and even morals! The prospect of getting laid is something that will shape the minds of the future, so why not exploit the assets you’ve got, amirite gentlemen?

Anyways- back to my opinions. If you don’t agree with MY opinions, I think there should be laws in effect to punish you. Like maybe you should spend some time in my dungeon or under a guillotine, that will show you. Like I said, if you don’t agree, you’re wrong, so maybe you should’ve spent 75 minutes reading my well-structured, concise, and eloquent Facebook post I made on the subject, watched my 2000 second snapchat story of me reiterating my opinion at a high decibel level, read all 45 of my tweets, or liked my slutty Insta where the caption was really real and deep. Trust me- this is way more important than that term paper you’ve been working on, don’t even doubt it.

Having your own opinion that is different to mine is neither right, nor fair. I don’t care how you feel about double negatives, I love them and that makes them ok. If you want to have a structured conversation about my opinion, I don’t have time. I have to spend at least 3 hours a day validating myself and researching for evidence that proves I am the victor of any argument I happen to have- online only. Don’t talk to me in person- I can’t whip out all my electronic sources that tell me I have formulated the best opinion in the world IRL, and that makes conversing lame and fake. Who wants to hear someone else’s voice anyways? GROSS.

Thanks for reading and hearing all about my opinions!! If you want to agree with me, send a message to my Google+ account, and let me know how right I am! Don’t bother commenting if you want to restructure my thoughts, I’m probably drinking a mimosa to Hawaiian Christmas Carols and I can’t really afford to spend that time on you.