If your sign is Taurus, Leo, Aquarius, or Virgo: Sunny, High of 17. Increasing cloudiness in late afternoon with chance of showers into the overnight, low of 11.
If your sign is Aries, Gemini, Libra, Scorpio, Sagitarious, Capricorn, or Pisces: Cloudy with a chance of showers into the day, High of 11. Increasing sunniness into the overnight with a low of 17.
If your sign is Cancer, that is unfortunate, I hope everything works out ok.
If your sign is Aries, Virgo, Aquarius, Scorpio, or Pisces: Cloudy, high of 33, Humidex into the low 40s. Note: this is an abnormal temperature trend. A Plague of flesh-eating locusts will move into the area from the east and devour anyone who does not bar themselves indoors. However, this will allow a fresh, cooler air mass to move in for the survivors to enjoy.
If Your sign is Taurus, Libra, Liberia, Librarium, or Rigamortis: You will meet a tall, dark stranger standing in front of a green screen. He will present to you the details of the weather at 6:15 with a more in depth report at 6:40. This horoscope brought to you by Durex.
Everyone besides Sagittarius will have their drinking water spiked with LSD and go through some real shit today. For some of you, it will be the best day ever. But for the rest of you, it’s gonna get real dark real quick. You will get a burning desire to brutally murder a Sagittarius.
If you’re a Sagittarius, fucking run dude. But it will be super sunny, so that’s nice.
You will all lose faith in the bizarre and often logically impossible predictions made in this weatherscope. But you must not give up. You mustn’t! Have faith in the stars, my Children. Oh, I’m sorry, did I refer to you as my Children? Well, I was gonna save this ‘til later but I might as well let you in on it. You are all my children – literally the fruit of my loins. How is this possible, you may ask. Have faith in me, and I will show you the light, my children. Sun and Cloud, High 14.
Under a glorious blue sky and a sun that will drive the evil rain spirits away, you all will join me on our march to Parliament Hill to demand that newspaper psychics be recognized as legitimate religious leaders and that their seven wives are all a totally legitimate, normal thing. This is of course, only if Wednesday goes as planned and all the Sagittariuses have been purged from the Earth. So come, my Children, and let us make our voices heard!
Well that didn’t go as planned. Turns out that our truth has been ignored by the government, and we are therefore forced to retreat to our Compound of Knowledge on my farm outside the city. It is only here that we can live and practice freely without persecution.
Or so I thought.
Yes, Children. Today it seems the forecast is gonna be cloudy with a chance of flamethrower. Because all the goddamn police outside are threatening to burn this place down unless we surrender. But we will never surrender! Zorso does not allow for surrender! We would much rather die as martyrs than live as cowards and soon will join Him at his dude ranch in the sky. For this is our moment, my children! Where we will live on in infamy forever! Damn you, Sagittarius scum!
The Rev. Dr. C Naked Mole Rat
High Priest, Church of Zorso