Aries: March 21 – April 19
You are the ram, the horny beast we all know and love. This week Uranus was mooned and it has your emotions going in loop-de-loops. There are only two choices, stifle the inner beast or let your inner ram-page. We all know which one you’re going to pick… This is the week to drink fire and let your horny heart feast, war cries and all.
Brontosaurus: April 20 – May 20
You are largely a herbivore and did I mention large? I mean, that mass you’re swinging around is pretty crazy. It only follows that you’re going extinct. If I was you, I’d get living before I get dying. I don’t know when that meteorite is coming around, so veggie up and party hard while you can.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
You know the person you see in the mirror? Yeah, it’s not actually you. You have an identical twin that was banished to the mirrorlands on the day that you two were born. On the eve of your 27th birthday they will try to escape and kill you. They will take over your life and no one will know the difference. There’s only one way to stop them. Listen to me very carefully, under no circumstance are you to look away from the mirror on that fateful night, don’t even blink. They can’t escape your gaze.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Your sign spells out your future. You’re going to get crabs, one way or another. It’s really only a matter of time. Sorry bro, don’t shoot the messenger. It’s been seen in the stars and the stars never lie.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
This week is going to be absolutely brutal. You are the lion though, find your inner call and triumph. Don’t listen to the shit Katy Perry says either, no one can out-roar the mighty lion. You are the king of the jungle, the king of campus (well, if you’re an engineer… Katy Perry can definitely out roar an ArtSci).
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Virgo, be the virgin no longer. This weekend is your chance because of the proximity of Uranus and the moon, not to mention all that alcohol coming your way. Your secret dream is to love and be loved, and this weekend you won’t have to fulfill the cycle all by your lonesome. Go get ’em but try to stay clear of Cancer… They have their own issues.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
It’s time to get off your fucking high horse. All this judgement and weighing people on scales. You’re not better than everybody else. Get your own life and get out of mine! We broke up a year ago and I’m still getting moody midnight messages. It’s done, we’re over. Get it through your head. The sooner the fucking better.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
After the feast of last weekend you are primed and ready to strike. Like the scorpion your body is hard and rigid, and ready to make your attack. It’s a shame that you’re so impotent for all those looks. Ever since your ruling planet, Pluto, was demoted to a non-planet you just don’t have that much to offer. If a book could be judged by its cover, you’d be doing okay. But sucks to be you!
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
The stars say you’re a hunter, but I have my doubts. I mean, you’re not hunting the other gender down very successfully. And everyone knows that you’re into bondage which is quite prey like (not that you can find anyone who would want to do it for you). The most abundant prey around campus is the squirrel and I haven’t seen you do anything about that problem. With all the action you’ve been taking, I wouldn’t be surprised that squirrels have colonized your house. Just shameful, truly shameful.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
It’s time to get funky friends, you have the energy, and the earth is your element. This week is your oyster and you’re going to get down hard. Heads up for Virgo and Aries, they’re your best bet for a good time. At all cost, do not get near the SOUL SUCKING LIBRA. The simple fact is that you can’t get Libra without the bra, they hold out. This week do whatever floats your goat, and remember, frosh blow goats.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Everyone knows you like it nice and wet.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
You’re a dreamer, and that’s cute, but it ain’t going to happen. That fish smell you have is weird and it is noticeable despite what your mom has told you. The best chance you have is to run away and live on the ocean and blend with your natural element. There is a small hope you could land an Aquarius though. They do like it wet.
Aries: March 21 – April 19