Your Weekly Horoscope: Residence Edition

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This year, Queen’s University received numerous warnings from seers, psychics, clairvoyants, oracles, dreamwalkers, and shamans of impending doom which awaits students of a certain astrological sign. For legal reasons, administration is under strict order not to disclose which group of students awaits this impending tragedy, so horrible that even Golden Words not dare publish the events which have been foretold. As a public safety measure, this year’s students have been placed into residence based on their astrological sign, in hopes that students in adjacent residences will not be affected by the mass destruction of the residence containing the damned students. If your astrological sign does not align with your residence building, please contact your don immediately to ask for a transfer. The University is committed to minimizing the effects of this looming disaster.

Leggett Hall – Libra (September 23 – October 23): Could it be you? Living in luxury, maybe the administration is trying to make your last days as pleasant as possible? Don’t take any bullshit from anyone and enjoy what may be your last days. Don’t take any human shit either. If your canmate forgets to flush, destroy them. You’ll only be aiding their doom while gaining a second room. Let the strong rule over the weak! That’s how natural selection works right?

Victoria Hall – Scorpio (October 24 – November 22): You were born approximately nine months after Valentine’s day. Your parents must have had great sex and maybe they passed those genes on to you! You even live in the biggest, most populous residence, with the most potential sex partners! Don’t get your hopes up though. This year, you won’t be getting laid. You were conceived on Valentine’s day for fuck’s sake! That means your parents probably only had sex on Valentine’s day. Those are the genes they passed on. They were lucky to have one orgasm per year despite being in a committed, loving relationship. You’ll fare much worse. Whether it’s your lack of hygiene, inability to negotiate sex with a friend or a stranger, or maybe you just have bad luck, you won’t be getting laid this year. Put away all your stereotypes about college orgies; you won’t be invited. Unfortunately for you, if the tragedy strikes your residence, you will perish without knowing the loving embrace of another human being.

Waldron Tower – Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22): Have you ever considered DIY skydiving? If you answered ‘yes’, then you are in luck! With 11 stories, Waldron Tower is the safest starting point for DIY skydiving, the perfect thrill to enjoy in your last few months before your tower is engulfed in divine fireballs, killing any remaining skydivers. Begin construction of your home-made parachute immediately.

Harkness International Hall – Capricorn (December 23 – January 20): It seems Canada is the ONLY country where children are born in the spring, summer, or fall. I’m assuming this strange phenomenon has something to do with time zones, but I’m not exactly sure what. You will enjoy a week of making new friends from other places, who all surprisingly share your birthday! Expect an epic party if you’re still alive by then…

Leonard, Gordon, and Brockington Halls – Aquarius (January 21 – February 19): These names were originally chosen many years ago as they can be abbreviated as LGB. The administration was showing its support for lesbian, gay, and bisexual students. Unfortunately it neglected the existence of transgender students. Do not fall suspect to the same unintentional discrimination. Embrace, accept, and love trans people. They’re pretty awesome.

Morris Hall – Pisces (February 20 – March 20): A drafty window and a cranky don await you this week. Escape from them by participating in Frosh Week™! Queen’s University Frosh Week™ is the perfect escape for any student! Full of Fun Events™ such as Dancing™, Cheering™, and Wearing Colourful Shirts™, it is sure to excite all students! Your don may be cranky, but you do not have to be with Frosh Week™! Go outside and enjoy The Weather™!

The As-Of-Yet-Unnamed-Under-Construction Residence – Aries (March 21 – April 20): You may have drawn the shortest straw, or maybe you got the shit end of the stick. Either way, you don’t have a home. Collect straw and sticks and begin to build your shelter for the year. Good luck building something which can survive a snowstorm, and hope you don’t get hit with the real storm the seers have predicted.

Chown Hall – Taurus (April 21 – May 21): Haunted. That’s all I can say. You will be haunted. Maybe by ghosts of women driven mad by the lack of men in their building. Maybe by ghosts of men forced to live in a building where they were never welcome. Either way, these ghosts are now mad. Mad that they were for so long subjected to a single-gender residence, while now you get the pleasure of neighbours of all genders. Hopefully you are only terrified by ghosts and nothing worse. Ghostbusters can’t save you from every catastrophic event…

Watts Hall – Gemini (May 22 – June 21): You could enjoy the indoors. You could enjoy the outdoors. You’re at fucking Queen’s University, bitches! This is the place where memories are made, and you’ve got a double bed! That’s space for two or more I’ve been told, and with your looks and social prowess, it will be full every night! Take pity on homeless students, they could use your hospitality. You thought I was talking about sex? Ha! Nope, just helping the homeless.

Ban Righ Hall – Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will experience the most convenient dining of your entire life. Be prepared to gain weight. You sure won’t be losing any in your walk to the cafeteria. Were you expecting fine dining? Ha! Like Queen’s can afford such a thing! Be glad you have a roof over your head while you sleep, some students are busy building shelter just trying to survive, while you complain about the food not being good enough despite how your parents paid for it. You don’t have to cook it! Suck it up and eat your food.

Jean Royce Hall – Leo (July 23 – August 22): The administration has been sworn into secrecy about who the predictions will affect. Unlike most students who would spend their time worrying and speculating, I just coughed up the $20 and visited a fortune-teller myself. After-all, I have not been sworn into secrecy. Upon gazing into the crystal ball, the fortune teller’s eyes darkened and began to shake. “A storm is imminent over Africa. I see swarms of insects descending on lions, devouring them, decimating the species. But this fate is not just for lions. Anyone who bears the sign of the leo will also share his fate. I am unable to gaze any further into this ball for the visions are so painful.” I was not surprised. It was pretty logical for West Campus to be used as a quarantine residence at Queen’s since it is so far removed from other residences. They say that friends made on West Campus are friends for life, and your case, it will definitely be true.

McNeil House – Virgo (August 22 – September 23): You’re safe. You don’t have to worry. You can enjoy a non-descript, worry free year. Do not expect anything exciting to happen. You probably won’t have any life-long memories of this year, but you’ll make it through and you’ll feel fairly happy. If you’re lucky you may even pass all of your courses, but I can’t be too sure. I’m not a fortune teller or anything. I just write horoscopes and tell people about…. Oh fuck, I guess I am a fortune teller.

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