Your Weekly Horoscope: Sept. 30 – Oct. 7


ARIES (March 21 – April 20):
You’re gonna have a great day. It’s just gonna be fantastic. Seeing as the sun is currently in the sky you’re liable to find money on the ground, go on an excellent date and have some spectacular sex. The kind where you high-five after. You’re gonna make your mom proud of you. You’ll ace a quiz. For you, life is just an endless series of happy memories and great stories. Because you’re an Aries

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):
Do you want anal hemmoroids? I would assume not. Good thing that you are a Taurus, and don’t have an anus. You know what other astrological sign doesn’t have a butt hole? That’s right, Aries! Find the closest Aries, and proceed to fellate them on the spot. The moon will reward you, you unshittable fuck. 

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):
The planet is revolving around a slow intersection of both Mars and Venus. Their slow greeting is propelled by the firm hand of Gravity. is rocked by gentle waves of cosmic energy shooting unfiltered through the galaxy and beyond. The majesty of space endures. Without boundary. Uniformly chaotic. Every bit of celestial flotsam tracing a journey begun eons ago, while gentle gas giants slowly prowl through their domain. Omnipotent in their own infinitesimally tiny slice of the galaxy, crowned by meteors and kissed by the heat of the Sun whilst embraced by the darkness of the void.

If you’re a Gemini, you’ll probably have an alright day. Dress well for incremental weather and beware cars executing rolling stops.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23):
If your astrological sign is Cancer, so you will likely get killed by a massive crab. Your only hope is to be rescued by a heroic passing Aries in a tuxedo driving a unicorn-powered Tesla.

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):
You’re probably an entitled fuckboi and don’t deserve a hororscope.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
The recent supermoon eclipse means you’re still a dick, Virgo. Clean up your dishes more often because Libras and Cancers are beginning to get real sick of your shit. And while you’re at it, get your clothes out of the drier it’s been there for a fucking week. Failure to get your shit together could result in your knee caps understanding the exact definition of the word “shattered.” Avoid Gemini, she may be hot but she’s mine, bitch. 

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
Hey, fuckface! Ya, you. Pay attention you sonofabitch, because this shit is important. You thought this was gonna be some stupid little piece of nonsense for you to pass the time waiting for your Tinder date to show up. Well she’s not coming, Jeremy. I’m sorry, but she stood you up. She was really just DTF and didn’t want to do the whole preamble of dating and whatnot. She’s probably banging some other guy right now. Maybe your roommate. No, it’s definitely your roommate. How do I know this? Because I’m tapped into the multi-dimensional wavelengths of the Universe. I can hear the stars talking, and they’re saying you’re a fucking waste of space and need to get your life together. Look at you, you’re pathetic. Go home, take a shower, get a good hard look in the mirror and ask “is this really the person I want to be?” Check back in a week to see if things are any better, if you can even summon the basic effort, you fuck.   

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
If you’re reading this, you should definitely vote Conservative. 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
You might die tomorrow. Or you might live, just like every day before it. But you will eventually die.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):
You will die tomorrow… Sorry.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
You are worth it.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
You are not worth it.