In other news, you still don’t have someone to spend the night with, no one to get a Christmas present for, no one to try and make you feel better about the 18 assignments you have to do, no one to bring you bad coffee. Do you feel bad yet? Keep reading.
It can’t be that hard to find someone to hang out with you… can it? If you’re feeling lost and don’t know where to begin, let me introduce the ultimate role model of relationships: Charles Manson. This man is 81 years old, is a criminal, and has a life sentence in jail. Plot twist: This man also has a hot 26-year-old fiancée.
Hopefully by now you’re wondering how he did it. Fuck if I know. But you’re alone, and he’s not, so this is a great opportunity for learning… Let’s analyze.
The badass factor is definitely an important one. So you should probably start being a bit less of a pussy and rob a bank, or at least try and say hi to people. Small steps. Our boy Mr. Manson also has a neat goatee, but I’m sorry to let you in on this, there’s nothing you can do about being 19 and having no facial hair yet. The blue inmate uniform must have something to do with getting a girl. Maybe it brings out motherly instincts. So I’m going to recommend throwing out all your clothes except the ones that are a light shade of blue. You’re desperate here.
Also, another important factor is he is unattainable. This guy will never be able to be in the same room as his future wife. Come on boys and girls, let’s try and play hard to get. No more asking someone you’re interested in to hang out, they obviously need to miss your presence in order to fully appreciate you.
As a last point, I want to bring to your attention to the fact that Charles Manson has a swastika on his forehead. That means you should get a swastika on your forehead. Alright, by now you either feel super shitty or super stoked because you know what to do to get some. You’re welcome.